A Month of Summers
by cuter-than-a-guinea-pig
Summary: When Blaine and Kurt receive a call that an old college acquaintance has taken his life, their lives are immediately put on hold as they travel back to Ohio for the funeral but the mystery remains for both as to why the other cares so much. Their lifelong friendship begins to unravel as truths threaten to reveal themselves but maybe something better will be left in its wake.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay so I'm really excited about this one. The idea for the general plot is based off the fictional play 'A Month of Summers' in the Sir Ian McKellen episode of **_**Extras **_**so if you've seen it then that's what this is. If you have no clue what I'm talking about, don't worry. The plot might seem a bit confusing at first but I'm trying to write it like that, like the reader finds out as the boys find out but if you have questions feel free. Anyways, I don't think it'll be too long, maybe five or so chapters around this length but I haven't written very much so far so updates might be somewhat infrequent. I'm also in school this summer so that doesn't help.**

**I really, really hope you like it ****  
Katie**

**-Chapter 1: The Call-**

He had always hated telephones. He hated the shrill of their ring, startling him from peace. He hated having to jump up from whatever he was doing and run to the receiver, stubbing his toe along the way, only to find out that it was a telemarketer on the other end. He hated being glued to wall as he talked or risk getting the cord tangled around everything or knocking something over. He hate not being able to see who he was speaking with, not being able to anticipate what was coming.

He assumed that this sheer distaste boiled from his mother's passing. That was a phone call he remembered well. He had been cuddled on the couch with Blaine, at the tender age of eight, when the then only slightly irritating ring interrupted their enthusiastic accompaniment of Bert during _Jolly Holiday_.

* * *

"Daddy, make it be quiet. It's ruining our performance," he whined petulantly.

"Calm down buddy," his father admonished with a chuckle, standing up from his arm chair. "I'm moving as fast as I can."

"Blaine, go pause it," he instructed his best friend. "Daddy always talks really loud and he doesn't like when I sing when he's on the phone."

"I don't know how," his friend answered apologetically.

"Really? But you can tie your own shoes and your bowtie. This can't be harder than those," he stated, throwing off the blanket and jumping down from the couch before making with way over to the VCR.

"Kurt," Blaine started hesitantly. "My dad says I shouldn't touch the TV and stuff so maybe we should just wait."

He turned to look at his friend and then back at the machine. There were a lot of buttons but his parents never seemed to have difficulty with it. Glancing into the kitchen, he saw his dad sitting at the table, clutching the phone to his ear and holding his head in his hands. He looked like he would be there for a long time which made Kurt not want to wait. Looking closer though, Kurt could see a real fear in his father's eyes and suddenly, watching the happy movie with his best friend, even if they had to be quiet so as not to disturb his father's conversation, seemed like a good idea.

Even after settling back into the movie, Kurt couldn't stop thinking about his dad. Something didn't feel right. Nothing had ever felt right since his mother had gone to the hospital a few months ago but this seemed even worse than that. He kept glancing over the back of the couch in hopes of seeing his father returning and bringing some hot chocolate with him but it was always the same scene he looked into.

"What's wrong?" Blaine finally whispered. "You didn't laugh at the penguin part. You always laugh at that part. It's your favorite."

"I don't know. My dad looks scared. Look," he pointed. Both boys turned around and crouched up on their knees so they could peer into the kitchen.

"I've never seen him look like that. Mine looks like that all the time but not yours," Blaine stated. The hint of worry present in his best friend's voice unsettled Kurt even more.

"I don't know what to do," he admitted desperately. He felt Blaine's familiar arm wrap around his shoulders, pulling him close, and Kurt gladly buried his head in the boy's neck, seeking out comfort. "My mom would know but she's not here."

"Okay, of course, we'll be right over. I love you too darling," he father finished before hanging up the phone. He paused for a moment, in almost a trance like state, a strange look of peace settling over his features but they were still far from content. He gave his head a little shake, running his fingers through his thinning hair before turning towards them. "Alright boys, gettcha coats on. We're going to make a quick trip to the hospital before bed."

Relief washed over Kurt. They were going to go see his mom. She would make it better. Everything would be fine. That relief, however, slowly drained with every block they drove. Blaine was periodically yawning beside him and a chill settled unwelcome on his legs which he suddenly realized were only covered by his light blue cotton pajama bottoms. It was late. His dad had already told them that they wouldn't be able to watch the whole movie that night because it was way past their bed time. They had never gone to visit his mom in the middle of the night before. Something was definitely wrong.

He quietly scooted over to the middle seat so he could lean into his friend. He wanted to stay like that, hidden in Blaine's hug forever. He didn't want to go to the hospital anymore and his heart sank when his dad finally pulled into the familiar parking lot.

Reluctantly he pulled himself away from Blaine and walked into the building. His dad's large and comforting hand found his quickly and he was very glad for it. They made their way down the dizzying, maze like halls to his mother's room. It was eerily quiet. There were usually lots of nurses bustling about and other families visiting their loved ones. Now though, the harsh hall lighting had been dimmed to allow patients their rest. Visiting hours were long over and yet the nurses let them in. Something was definitely wrong.

"KK, come here, baby boy," his mother cooed as he stepped cautiously into the room. Her voice was faint and she could barely lift her arms to pull him into a hug. "Daddy tells me you're having a sleepover."

He hugged her tight though, soaking up the feeling. Somewhere deep within he knew what was happening and why they were there. He may have been too young for that dreadful truth to fully form in his mind but the pieces were all there, scattered throughout his account of the happy evening that he had been having before the phone rang.

"Uh-huh," he nodded enthusiastically turning towards his friend who had tucked himself away onto the chair in the corner. "With Blaine! His parents went away for work for the weekend so he has to sleep at our house."

"Hi, Blaine sweetie. I'm sorry to ruin your sleepover," his mother directed to his friend with a kind smile.

"It's okay, Mrs. Hummel. It's cool to be up so late. My parents never let stay up past ten."

"Well I'm glad you're having a good time. How about you, KK? Are you having fun?"

"Yup! Daddy let us have pizza for dinner and then we got to watch _Marry Poppins_ and Blaine likes to sing the songs just like me. Daddy says we were driving him crazy but he never told us to stop so we sang louder."

"Good," she chuckled back. Her laughter was quiet but Kurt could see the light in her warm hazel eyes shine just as brightly as it used to, back when the sound of her laugh, especially when caused by him, would effortlessly fill an entire room with joy. "I'm so glad to hear that, baby. All I ever want is for you to be happy. Can you promise me that, Kurt? That you'll never let other's stop you from doing what you love and what makes you happy."

"I promise, mommy," he answered softly, picking up on the sudden change in tone, the pieces moving closer together. "I love you."

"I love you too, KK."

Those pieces never fully came together on their own. They had moved closer still when they finally left the hospital, his father's grip on his hand even tighter than when they had entered but never painting a picture that Kurt could see. It wasn't until the phone rang again around ten the next morning, after Blaine's mother had picked him up, and his father came into his room and held him close while fighting back his own tears as he told him that the pieces were fitted together for Kurt. It wasn't until then that the small boy of eight could finally see the image and understand that his mother would never be a part of it again.

* * *

For Kurt, that loss had started with a phone call. As he got older he of course learned that that was not really case but by that time the memory and the hurt had already become so engrained. He just simply couldn't change the way he felt about telephones, or rather, how they made him feel as the bottom of his stomach dropped out at the sound of their ring. That's why, when the ringing phone startled him awake that morning, fourteen years later, he buried his head back into his pillow with no intentions of getting up.

His pillow, however, stirred unexpectedly and being already on edge, Kurt sprang up, tangling himself in the blanket and tripping over the coffee table before landing hard on the floor.

"Woah there. Those were some uh, impressive acrobatics for this early in the morning," Blaine chuckled from where he lay on the couch, where Kurt had been laying not minutes earlier. Kurt felt his cheeks flush when he realized that it had been Blaine's chest that his head had been resting quite comfortably on all night.

"Yeah well, you know…phone. And all…." he finished lamely, his brain trying and failing to remember how it had ended up cuddled next to his roommate all night.

"I'll go deal with the scary phone," the other teased.

The light hearted joshing helped to relax him. Feeling Blaine's hand pat his shoulder in that familiar way as he walked past and into the kitchen to play along with this silly delusion that he refused to look beyond, reassured him that the previous night did not rest heavily on the other's mind.

As Kurt turned over to stand up he spotted two empty wine bottles resting against the end table. The sight seemed to spark his memory. Excitement began to take over the relief as he remembered that he had gotten cast in an off Broadway production. The role was relatively small but he had lines and it was going to pay enough that he could drop to part time at the coffee shop and still come out ahead. He remembered that he had felt rather foolish about the initial excitement that had swept through his entire being due to the insignificance of the part. He had forced himself to tell Blaine in a very nonchalant manner. Blaine, however, had been through the moon.

* * *

"You're kidding!" he exclaimed, dropping his bag in shock on the floor.

"No?" Kurt replied, confused by his roommate's enthusiasm.

"Kurt, that's amazing," Blaine stated in awe while tackling him almost to the ground in a bear hug. "I'm so proud of you. You have to tell me when opening night is so I can get a ticket. Oh and we must celebrate. I'll run out and get some wine and those pastries you like," he rambled off before scurrying out the door before Kurt could stop him.

Kurt thought he was making too big a deal out of it all but he couldn't deny that the enthusiasm made him feel good. It made it all, the dead end barista job, the countless auditions, the long road of forgettable roles, seem worth it. Or like he didn't need to be famous or successful before he began living. His life was happening right now and he was allowed to enjoy it and there was going to be someone there to enjoy it with.

He quickly unburied the excitement that he had initially felt and by the time Blaine returned, he was more than ready to really let loose and be happy and look forward to the next few months of long rehearsals where he would simply sit on the side lines for the majority of it.

"Okay, I hope you're hungry. I stopped by that Indian place too because I figured we would need some real food to accompany the goodies."

"Good thinking," he chuckled. "You're quite the sight when you've been drinking on an empty stomach. And sugar is practically alcohol with you."

"At least I don't turn into a giggle monster," Blaine teased, grabbing the necessary utensils before joining him on the couch.

"Giggle monster is better than man whore who makes out with every woman in sight," he replied pointedly, reaching out to take his food from Blaine. "Yum, smells good."

"Nothing but the best for my little Broadway star," Blaine said with a grin, popping off the cork in the wine bottle and pouring them both a more then generous glass.

"I'm not sure a little hole in the wall curry place can be considered the best."

"Oh, it's not, but you're not on Broadway either."

Kurt smacked him in the shoulder but there was a smile on his face. "Some day."

"I have no doubt. Now, which movie?"

"Marry Poppins?"

"Oh look, someone's already in a giddy mood."

Kurt smacked him again and Blaine feigned great peril, escaping from the couch to pop in the movie.

"Should we spice it up a little bit?"

"Go on," Kurt replied intrigued.

"Every time Mr. Van Dyke butchers the greatness that is the British accent, we have to take a very large gulp of wine."

"So basically every time he talks."

"Pretty much," Blaine agreed with a chuckle. "Think you can handle it?" he asked as he settled in beside him on the couch.

"Oh I think you should stick to worrying about yourself, Anderson."

"Hey, I'm in the clear here. There aren't any ladies around. There are however, many giggle inflicting aspects to this movie. A flock of animated penguins, if I'm remembering correctly?"

"Oh you're on."

* * *

That was the last coherent thing he remembered saying but it certainly explained the blurriness of the rest of the evening. The bits and pieces he was able to put together though seemed to imply that he had lost the unsaid competition of who could drink the most without letting their infamous drunken tendencies take over. Kurt even had to suspect that maybe they had pegged Blaine's drunken self wrong and that they were more similar than originally thought. Needless to say, there had been neither a lack of giddiness nor sheer enjoyment of the movie, and each other, and simply life in general. And although he could not remember falling asleep, he could remember falling onto the couch after exhausting himself in dance alongs and settling close to Blaine. The other boy had simply squeezed him tight and whispered another congratulations before Kurt shushed him playfully because the movie was still on and they were missing drink worthy dialogue. Blaine had obliged and simply opened the second bottle, refilling their glasses.

That's how it always was with them though, minus the uncontrollable giggling and impromptu recreations of the on screen activity, at least usually. There was just an ease about the friendship that had been there since they were little. It was something that Kurt had never found with anyone else but that he didn't particularly want with anyone else.

"Uh, Kurt," he heard Blaine call from the kitchen after hearing the phone being placed back on its receiver. Blaine's voice sounded slightly hesitant and Kurt hoped it was just from the remaining fogginess of last night's impaired state.

"Yeah," he replied, standing a little too quickly and making his way to the kitchen.

"That was uh, Wes. From school. Sebastian, uh…. Sebastian died," Blaine stuttered out, eyes jumping unfocused around the small room.

"What? But how?" he asked in a quiet and shocked voice, completely stunned by the news.

"He, uh, it was suicide. The gun was beside him."

"Oh my god," he all but whispered, his voice disappearing in disbelief and the sheer chaos that erupted in his mind. Death was something that always hit him hard. "Why?"

"Don't know. There's a note but his sister has it," Blaine sighed, leaning against the counter. "They're having the funeral on Friday back in Ohio. I'm think I should go."

At this, the chaos in his mind seemed to double. Blaine was never fond of Sebastian. The guy was an asshole who had somehow managed to infiltrate there group of friends. But Blaine's dislike was no less than the one he himself presented to the world so why would he assume that Kurt was just not going?

"Okay. I uh, I think I should too," he stated, nodding his head in assuredness but avoiding Blaine's eyes.

"R-really? You want to go? I thought you couldn't stand the guy," Blaine questioned almost defensively crossing his arms over his chest.

That's what he was afraid of, that Blaine would begin to question his own need to say goodbye when he could not really offer an explanation. There were a lot of things about Sebastian that put him off. They were traits that would put him off of anyone and he never tried to hide his dislike of them in front of Blaine or even Sebastian himself. Kurt almost had to laugh at the irony of the situation because sometimes his vocal dislike was in fact a cover for what he was really hiding. Now though, it seemed as if he had been hiding it too well. Then again though, Blaine didn't really seem to have a proper reason either so why was he so adamant about Kurt's?

"Neither could you," he pointed out in a neutral manner. He could tell they were headed down a treacherous path and yet he couldn't figure out why.

Blaine simply looked at him for a moment, silent, hazel eyes dulled and distant. It was as if he trying to find the trap that Kurt was laying out. Kurt was too busy trying to sort out his own feelings without letting them show to even construct a working snare let alone figuring out what he was hunting for. And so, Kurt simply stared back in what he hoped came across as an open and non-judgemental look.

"Okay," Blaine finally nodded. "Okay, if you want to go, we'll go together."

"Okay," he agreed with his own nod.

"Wait, what about your show? Don't you start rehearsals?"

"Shit!" He had completely forgotten and now this whole mess became even more real. Saying goodbye not only roused suspicions within Blaine but it also began to encroach on his fragile career. "I'll uh, I'll just ask for the time off."

"What if they say no?" Blaine asked in a tone that really meant _what happens when they say no._

Kurt knew he was right. They wouldn't halt the production for some nothing actor playing some nothing part. Something stirred deep within though, that something that had repressed for so long, pulled him towards the boy who had put a gun to his head. It was only with that boy that it had ever been allowed to surface from the underworld and it needed to pay respect to its fallen comrade.

"Then they'll have to find someone else," he stated with more confidence than he actually had. He turned away before Blaine could see through it though. "I'm going to pack."


	2. Chapter 2

**- Chapter 2 : The Car -**

The last time he was driving down this highway he had a one way ticket going in the other direction. He and Blaine had been mapping out their future in New York for years and after graduating from Ohio State, they had decided to actually follow the road they had drawn out. Everything had felt so right then. It was as if all the muddled and strewn pieces of their lives were coming together, as if the car speeding east, down the I-80 was the zipper, finally and perfectly interlocking all the individual teeth into something strong and whole as if they were always meant to be there.

The thrilling and elating feeling of finally leaving Ohio behind and having New York on the horizon and his best friend beside him, had completely overshadowed his sore behind which was not happy about being sat on for the ten hour drive.

* * *

"Where are you running off to?" Sebastian asked in that smug, condescending tone that, if not in the best of moods, would make his skin crawl. Tonight though, he was too excited about tomorrow to care.

"Home," he answered simply, extracting himself from their tangle of limbs to find his clothes.

"Home? You're usually up for round two, Hummel."

"Still gotta pack. And Blaine wants to celebrate our last night here."

"Blaine, huh?" Sebastian stated skeptically, propping himself up on his elbows. Kurt could feel the other's eyes on him as he bent to pull up his boxer briefs. "You know you'd have more fun with me than with the overgrown toddler."

"Yeah, I'm not so sure," he teased good naturedly before wincing as he stretched awkwardly to get into his snug jeans.

"Pounded you good huh? See you're never going to get it that good again."

He winced again at the choice of language and a bit at the reality it implied but shook it off before it began to seep in. "You do realize where we're going right? New York is one of the biggest gay mecas."

"Exactly. None of those guys are going to have time for closet cases like you, sweetie."

"Don't call me sweetie." Though pet names never sounded quite right coming out of Sebastian's mouth it was always worse when he was leaving. At best they seemed forced, like they were the right thing to say but from the wrong person. At the end of the night though it cut a little deeper, made his skin crawl, made him never want to hear those words again, from anyone. That was usually his cue to leave. He pulled his shirt roughly over his head and walked to the door without turning back. "Bye, Sebastian."

"You'll never have that white picket fence with Blaine. Stop kidding yourself."

"If you think my life revolves around your delusional mind then I think _you're _the one that needs to stop kidding yourself."

He slammed the door loudly on his way out, so relieved to never have to see the meerkat again. The beginning of the evenings always seemed like a good idea. Being young and full of testosterone, fueled unfortunately by his off limits and unknowing best friend and roommate, was proving more difficult than he thought. Sebastian offered him relief and although it was always short lived due to the boy's obnoxious comments, the pent up sexual frustration was sometimes too great for Kurt to handle especial seeing as he had never considered himself to be a sexually driven person. He was a romantic at heart. He believed that sex should the last part of the equation added only after all the little bashful smiles and quirky nonsense and playful dates and quiet dates and catastrophic dates that left both parties laughing both at their misfortunes of the evening but also at their extreme luck to be able to share it all with someone special. He could even picture an argument or two in there, a misunderstanding stemming from both people trying to do what was best for each other when in fact they were doing just the opposite. He hated that his body continually pushed this ideal further and further away and taking Sebastian up on his offer allowed him to shut his body up a short while. It unfortunately also left his skin crawling at the thought of how easily Sebastian could manipulate it. He always left swearing to himself that he would never return. This was the first time that the declaration was actually true and that was an overwhelmingly good feeling.

* * *

Now however, looking back to the west and to the past, there was no joy to hide the uncomfortable stirring in his stomach nor the uncomfortable tension that had seemingly sprung up between him and Blaine overnight. He had been right about having to give up his role because of the time he would have to miss and because he could not provide Blaine with a reasonable explanation as to why he was choosing Sebastian over his career, a rift grew between them. It was like they were unzipping that zipper now and the closer they got to Ohio, the further from each other they became.

He had been worried about this. It had kept him up the previous night, tossing and turning, wondering what the magnitude of this would amount to and how it would ultimately be resolved. As a result of his restless slumber, Kurt was tired and although he had insisted on driving, he found it increasingly harder and harder to keep his eyes open on the long stretches of open highway. The lack of conversation didn't help either and the heavy matter of Sebastian on his tired mind easily pulled his focus off the road. A violent swerve back into his lane finally lifted the silence.

"Whoa, you okay?"

"Yes," he bit back.

"You sure? You look tired."

"I am."

"I can drive."

"No."

"Kurt, come on. Why not?"

"Because."

"Because," Blaine answered back in a tone that showed he was both disappointed and annoyed with the nothing of an answer. "Are we really at that point?"

He glanced over at Blaine. He didn't want to be at that point. There had been very few times over the years where they had stopped talking altogether. Problems were resolved quickly and even when they lingered, they could put it off to the side until they were ready to talk and still be friends in the meantime. He sighed heavily knowing that now was definitely not the time to end their lifelong friendship.

"No," he conceded, shaking his head and taking his time to gather his thoughts. Blaine waited patiently. "I just feel like everything's spinning out of control and… and as dumb as it sounds, this just feels like the only thing that I can control."

Blaine remained quiet for a few moments. Kurt glanced over a couple times and saw a contemplative but not questioning look in his friend's eyes. He no longer seemed to be prying but simply genuinely concerned and willing to help once he determined how. That was one of the things Kurt had always loved about Blaine, his willingness to help and seeing it again almost made their argument disappear and he found comfort in his friend again.

"Why don't we stop and get some coffee or something? Take a little break? There's no rush to get there," Blaine eventually suggested.

"We still have another seven hours on the road," he pointed out. In his mind, if they had to do this he just wanted to be back in Ohio, to see his father, and to catch up on some much needed sleep in his childhood bed.

"So? The funeral's not for two days. Maybe we should relax for a bit. I think we've both been on edge since we got the phone call and maybe that's not the best state to walk into this with. It's definitely going to be hard."

"Yeah," Kurt nodded in agreement. Saying this was going to be hard was an understatement. It was already proving hard and he couldn't stop the tears that started pooling in his eyes.

"Hey," Blaine said softly, reaching across the center console and patting his leg reassuringly. "Come on, let's just take a break. It'll be okay."

"Alright," he agreed, swiping the tears quickly from his eyes and scanning the highway signs for the nearest exit.

This exit happened to be an old truck stop but there was a small diner that, according to the large bearded man that Blaine stopped on his way back to his eighteen wheeler, sold decent enough coffee. Kurt was still skeptical but he had already been practically dragged into a booth in the corner.

"It can't be any worse than some of the stuff your dad drinks around his shop."

"That's not saying much."

"Well this'll help put us back into the small town Ohio mind set. We don't want to have to deal with culture shock on top of everything else," Blaine joked.

Kurt smiled lightly in response, pondering the menu. "Do you think it's too early for desert?" He asked absentmindedly.

"It's after noon," Blaine said with a shrug. "It's never too early anyways. What're you looking at?"

"The chocolate fudge cake with ice crème. Wanna split it?"

"Definitely!" Blaine agreed and after their orders were taken he piped up again. "So why the chocolate at one in the afternoon?"

Kurt couldn't help but role his eyes at himself. "You're sharing," he pointed out.

"Touche. You excited to see your dad?"

"Yeah," he nodded with a smile. "That's about the only thing I'm excited for. I kinda miss the smell of motor oil."

"You used to spend all day in there. I think it's the only time I've ever seen you messy," Blaine chuckled.

"There you are. I've been calling you for hours," Kurt heard the familiar voice call from outside over the clanking of his tools.

He lifted his head from where it was tucked under the hood of Mrs. Harris' car. This was one of the cars that was towed into shop at least twice a year. For the last four years his dad had always diagnosed it as junk yard metal on the intake but they always got it running again. Kurt knew his dad put a little extra time into it though knowing that Mrs. Harris, like many people in this town, could simply not afford a new car. That's what brought him here, on a Sunday, when the shop was closed. Or, at least, that's what he told himself.

"I passed!" Blaine exclaimed running up to and sticking his arm under the hood to wave a piece of paper in Kurt's face. "I can officially drive and my mom gave me the car for the afternoon so we should go somewhere."

"I'm busy," Kurt sighed back in annoyance wiping the sweat from his forehead.

Blaine seemed to take a step back then and look at all the tools he had spread out and his messy appearance. "It's Sunday. You guys are closed. Why are you even here?"

"It's for Mrs. Harris."

"No it's not," Blaine argued, hoping up onto the wheel well and making himself comfortable. "It's not the jocks at school again is it?"

"No, Blaine. I can take care of myself thank-you," Kurt answered, his eyes still glued to the motor and his hands still busy.

"Are you mad at me?"

"What makes you think that?" He asked, his sarcastic bite coming through.

"Well…your lovely tone for one. But mostly because you were ignoring my calls and you don't seem remotely excited for me…..Wait! That's why you're mad, isn't it?"

"Can you give it a try?" Kurt asked, finally looking up from his work but for all intents and purposes, continuing to ignore his best friend.

Blaine didn't ignore him though, and he promptly leaned back and reached in the open car window to turn the key. As he did so his navy blue polo shirt tightened around the firm muscles and rode up so Kurt could see the tan sliver of skin of Blaine's lower stomach that was exposed. He even caught a glimpse of the dark, course gathering of hair below Blaine's belly button that he had secretly been watching develop over the past few years. He blushed hotly at the sight and mentally turned back to the task at hand before he was caught.

"That doesn't sound too good," Blaine grimaced at the screeching sound as the engine tried and failed to turn over.

"No," Kurt sighed in agreement and then continued with an agitated mumble. "But unlike you, I actually know what the problem is because Mr. 'I-just-got-my-licence' knows absolutely nothing about cars."

"What was that," Blaine asked as he put the engine temporarily out of its misery and sat up properly again, leaning forwards slightly to prompt Kurt's answer.

Kurt didn't pay him any attention though and turned around to grab an assortment of tools from the self behind him before returning to the left hand side of the car, and diving in.

"I knew that's why you were mad," Blaine continued, seemingly unfazed. "You're jealous that I got my licence before you did."

Kurt chose not to acknowledge the accusation. It was true of course, just another example of how Blaine was _always_ right. It just wasn't fair though. His birthday was in March, four months before Blaine's, meaning that he should have gotten his licence first. Despite growing up around cars though and knowing the ins and outs of nearly every model on the road and how to recognize mechanical failures as well as repair them, actually driving the cars was not something he had been able to grasp quickly. Even with his dad's help he had managed to fail the test twice and not being able to drive was yet another thing to add to his growing list of inadequacies at being a teenage boy.

"Oh, come on, it's not that big a deal."

"It is though," he finally snapped, dropping his wrench and finally meeting Blaine's eyes. "I just- I think it's pretty obvious that I don't like typical guy things. I've never really fit in and my dad doesn't even really talk to me because he has no idea what to say. Cars have always been something we had though and it's always been at least one conversation I can participate in but now, no, that's gone too."

"What are you talking about?" Blaine asked sympathetically. "Not being able to drive doesn't mean you can't still fix them. And you just need practise."

"That's beside the point," he responded with an eye role.

"Which is..." Blaine prompted.

Kurt sighed heavily and turned around, leaning back onto the car. It's not like he and Blaine hadn't talked about this stuff before but it was always hard and getting increasingly harder as the years went on and Kurt began to see the differences between him and all the other boys grow and grow. He sometime wondered why Blaine still stuck around because he seemed to fit in with all the guys at school where as Kurt was always the outcast and he worried that actually telling Blaine what was bothering him would somehow turn that light bulb on and drive his best, and really, his only, friend away.

"Sometimes I feel inadequate, okay?" he began softly. "There's nothing really about me that's manly. And most of the time that just results in a bit of harassment at school, which I can handle and all, but sometimes- well sometimes it hits a little closer to home and I start to feel like maybe I am some weird freak or...whatever...and that I'll be some outcast for the rest of my life. I don't know. Like I said, cars are like the one thing I had but now that's not even really true."

"Of course it's true. You seemed to be on to something before I interrupted," Blaine replied as he walked around the hood of the car to stand next to him and picked up the wrench and placed it in his hands with a playful nudge. "And you're certainly not inadequate. I won't argue with the fact that you're different and idiots at school harp on you for it but they're idiots. They place no value in intelligence or humour or kindness. They still work with the caveman system," Blaine joked. "Girls, on the other hand, tend to be a bit more evolved however so you're definitely going to end up a head on that one."

As nice as Blaine's words were, the girl comment was all Kurt could focus on, making the rest simply fade, unnoticed and unabsorbed, into grey background. Comments like these always did. And not that Kurt completely bought what Blaine said – the last time he looked it was those idiots who had the cheerleaders lined up, not him – but even if he did, getting the girl was the last thing he was concerned about. In actuality, Kurt contributed most of his problems to this fact.

He had never liked girls. Sure, saving the princess from the dragon when he was younger had seemed a noble deed that he would accept on any day but when the slaying was through, he had always wanted to return home to his prince, not the damsel in distress. And although it wasn't particularly the idiots at school that made his stomach come alive with butterflies, their constant rejection of even the most platonic interaction was increasingly discouraging because they represented the average male population. It was discouraging to the point that he had long ago given up on his crush on Blaine even though he was always sweet to him and genuinely seemed to enjoy his company so much that he was often the one to seek it out. He had never had much hope in the first place but it was there and as he grew up a learned that Blaine was most likely attracted to girls, his thoughts drifted into finding someone like Blaine. Ultimately though, two years into high school had all but killed that hope and left him very pessimistic and disheartened about his future as well as, at times, insecure about the strongest friendship he had.

"I know that doesn't really help much," Blaine continued empathetically, hanging his head and slipping his hands in his pockets in defeat after Kurt's only response was silence. "It's funny how some words have all the power to destroy you and yet there are never any to build you back up. You can try but it all just seems so worthless."

"I wouldn't call it worthless," Kurt finally answered back because although they hadn't sunk in, it was nice to know that someone cared enough to try. "Thank-you."

"Don't sweat it," Blaine smiled, shrugging his shoulders. "Now teach me how to fix this thing so you no longer have to be appalled at my lack of knowledge."

"Only if you teach me to drive?" he proposed with an eager smile, turning to face his friend.

"I'm not sure that legal," Blaine mused, avoiding eye contact.

"Please. I can tell my dad's getting frustrated."

"That doesn't really make it more appealing."

Kurt slapped Blaine's shoulder playfully at the teasing. "We could go for that drive and we could go up to the french fry stand just off the highway. There are lots of deserted roads out there."

"You buying?"

"I suppose," Kurt huffed with an eye role.

"Okay Hummel, you got yourself a deal," Blaine agreed with a smirk, a smirk that Kurt couldn't help but find adorable and also incredibly sexy. Suddenly the idea of teaching Blaine about cars just got better.

"Yay! Okay so," Kurt began, spinning around get back to work. "At first I thought it was the battery. It's been really hot recently and sometimes that can cause the battery fluid to evaporate a bit so I distilled some water and topped it up but clearly that wasn't the problem."

"Like in chemistry?"

"Yeah, I actually figured out how to set it all up from there so if it's just a little top up you don't have to buy the actual fluid. You can actually just use tap water too if you're desperate but the impurities can wreck the battery over time."

"Good to know," Blaine nodded sounding impressed.

"It _is_ good to know. That's why I think a little _real _car knowledge should be required to pass the test. Anyways, so now I think it's the starter. It can't be totally shot though because you could hear it trying so it should be fixable. Probably either a loose connection here or it's sticking inside."

"Okay, so do you just tighten everything?" Blaine asked, leaning in closer to get a look at where Kurt was pointing.

Kurt couldn't help but smile at the way their shoulders touched. "Yeah. So here, take this," he instructed, handing Blaine the wench. "And then just there but gently."

He watched carefully as Blaine turned his wrist slowly, slightly fixated on how big his hands had gotten and how tanned his skin was. Kurt had to admit that there was a bit of jealously when it came to his still delicate, girly looking hands and ghostly, pale skin. At least it gave him something nice to look at though.

Apparently Blaine's hands had gotten stronger too though and almost as soon as he had started applying pressure, the wire broke away from the connecting bolt.

"Oh shit!"

"Oh my god! What did you do? I told you to be gentle."

"I don't know. I'm sorry. I swear I was gentle. Here!" Blaine shot up in panic, thrusting the wench back into his hands and backing away in surrender. Kurt had never seen his eyes so wide in horror. It was very cute.

"Relax," he laughed. "I'm kidding. This actually makes easier because now we know what the problem is. Loose connection," he said with a smile as he patted Blaine on the shoulder and walked past him to the shelves to get the soldering iron.

"Wait, are serious?" Blaine asked after he stood there a little daze for a bit.

"Yes, Blainers," Kurt assured, flushing a little at the slip of the old nick name. "Now come help me. I need someone to hold the pliers."

"Umm…"

"It's fine, it's easy. Now-No! Don't touch that. It's hot," he scolded, batting Blaine's hand away from the soldering iron. "Pliers! Pliers only."

"Okay, okay. Jeesh!"

After Blaine successfully picked up the pliers without burning himself, Kurt instructed him how hold the broken wire that he had stripped with them. "Don't move. Like I said, hot," he informed, pointing at the tip of the iron.

"Wait, what are doing with that? Why is coming so close to me?"

"That's why I told you not to move. Just stay still and you won't get burned."

"Or don't bring hot, pokey things near my hands! Kuuurt."

"I'm almost done," he admonished while carefully melting the solder wire around the broken connection. He felt Blaine lean in closer trying to duck his head around to see what he was doing. The contact on top of the cute whining threatened to unsteady his hands. He took a deep relaxing breath. "There, done. Not so bad huh?" He asked, turning to Blaine with a smirk. It fell rather quickly though as he realized just how close Blaine actually was. The bright hazel eyes were inches from his own and they had never looked so big before as they stared in childlike wonderment at the repair job. They truly were the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen.

"That's so cool," Blaine exclaimed as he turned to look back at him.

"Yeah?" he questioned, turning around himself to put the tools back so as not to get caught staring.

"Totally. So it's fixed? It works now?"

"It should. Give it a go."

Kurt watched as Blaine bounded excitedly around to the driver's side of the car and stretched his arm through the window to turn the key. The engine roared to life instantly and that little rush of pride rushed through him, just as it did every time he succeeded in fixing a car. It was a little heightened this time though due to the pure excitement on Blaine's face.

"Alright, well, driving time?" he asked as let the hood down.

"Yes but I think you forgot about one thing first."

"What?" Kurt asked cautiously detecting the mischief in Blaine's voice.

"This," Blaine answered simply bringing a hidden hand out from behind his back. His index finger was covered grease and before Kurt could run away, said grease was being swiped down his nose.

He stood frozen, slack jawed in shock. "Blaine! Oh my god. Why would you do that?"

"Well it's already smeared all over your forehead. I was finishing the look. I've never seen you so disheveled before," Blaine explained feigning innocence while backing away.

"You're dead, Anderson!" Kurt stated as a playful and joyful rage began filling him and before he could think about safety protocol he was making a beeline for the grease canister and sprinting after Blaine with it, laughing, like he always did with his best friend.

* * *

"Yeah, I love that place," he hummed in contemplation, while the waitress returned and set down their coffees. He wrapped his hands around the mug, soaking in the warmth. Even in the heat of summer he found it comforting. "I swear the shop was the only place where I felt like I was on the same page as my dad."

"I know, I remember," Blaine nodded from across the table before taking a sip of his coffee. "Not bad."

"Mm agreed," he offered after trying his own. I wasn't New York but it hit all the right spots. "I'm excited to see him again. I worry sometimes. He's like the only person I'm looking forward to seeing."

"Really? But you had lots of friends in college."

"I'm not dreading seeing everyone, it's just dad's the only one on my list. How bout you?"

"Dreading?"

"Yeah."

"Umm, no one really."

"Really? Not even Rachel?" Kurt asked sceptically.

"I don't think she'll come."

"Seriously? Rachel? The queen of taking anything and making it about her, especially when large groups of her peers are involved."

"Oh, right. I forgot about that," Blaine chuckled, shaking his head. "She'll be there won't she?"

"Afraid so."

"Okay well add one to my list."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hi everyone. Sorry this took a while but here you go. Hopefully the formatting will be better in this chapter and from now on. All the flashbacks are going to be in italics now and also separated by a line break. Sorry if it was confusing before. I kept forgetting that some types of formatting was lost when it was uploaded. Anyways, I hope you like it and I'd love to hear from you.**

**-Katie **

**-Chapter 3 : The Road-**

"Uh, west actually. Ohio," Kurt answered as he fiddled with the debit machine.

"That's what I was afraid of. There's a storm comin' in. Roads are gonna get bad. Always do. Might wanna think about waiting it out here. The truckers are already pullin' in." The waitress gestured out the window between very prominently chewing her gum.

Despite seeing the greying sky and the several truckers trying to sort out where everyone should park their semi-trucks in the filling lot, he didn't think they could afford to spend any longer at the rest stop. "Oh, uh, we're on a bit of a tight schedule."

"Well don't say I didn't warn you."

"Thanks," Kurt nodded with a smile and stood as he spotted Blaine coming back from the washroom.

"Your boyfriend wants the weather the storm," she directed at Blaine when he got closer.

Kurt's hands froze where they were putting his debit card back in his wallet. He had heard the mistake before but it was rare. Rare enough that it always seemed to knock the wind out of him and take him a while to regain some sense of composure.

"Oh, no," Blaine chuckled awkwardly, nervously glancing around at the other patrons.

Kurt hadn't even had time to think about _them_ yet. Really, the tough guy, truck drivers should have been his first concern but his heart was too tied up elsewhere, pounding at the insinuation at the fantasy that had lingered in the dark corners of his mind since he was little and at the paranoia that this one comment could suddenly make Blaine realize it.

"We're just friends but yeah, he's probably right. We still got a long way to go."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, yeah, we're just close, you know," he stuttered.

"No, I meant about taking off."

"Oh! Right, well, Kurt's always been the smart one. We'll be fine."

"Thank-you again," Kurt added before following Blaine towards the door. The wind had definitely picked up and with the ever graying sky, Kurt began to wonder if maybe the waitress had a point. "We will be fine right?" he asked before they got in the car and gave up their, apparently in demand, parking spot.

"Yeah," Blaine answered with a shrug. "We've weathered New York storms and we had to walk through those. Want me to drive?"

"Nooooo!" It was a knee jerk response more than anything. His father still didn't really trust him behind the wheel even though he had eventually learned and it still a sore spot.

Blaine seemed to know all this though and simply waited patiently while eyeing him knowingly.

"Okay, maybe," he admitted sheepishly.

"Uh-huh," Blaine nodded smugly, a smirk playing on his lips.

"Shut-up," Kurt admonished playfully even if there was a little unnecessary extra force behind his key toss. "But let's make one thing clear, Blaine Anderson. This is still my car and so we still go be my rules."

"Uh-huh."

The agreement didn't seem too sincere though based on the speed at which Blaine was making his way to the driver's side door and the way his eyes were glued to the stereo through the windows. The stormy clouds and wind didn't seem so concerning anymore. Defending his ears from Blaine's musical taste was a much more pressing matter now and Kurt made a beeline for the passenger door to attend to it.

"Blaine, don't you dare!"

"If I recall correctly, when I was teaching you how to drive it was drivers rules."

"Yes, well, that's 'cause you were weak and gave in."

"Weak? Weak?" Blaine questioned in shock as he started the started the engine. "You think I'm weak?"

"Yes," Kurt nodded, hiding his laugh behind his hand. "Yes I do."

"Wow, Hummel."

"I'm sorry but it's kinda true."

"Oh yeah? Name one thing," Blaine challenged as he turned around in his seat to back out of the spot. "Besides the giving up control of the radio," he clarified turning back to Kurt and sending him a death glare before continuing to back up.

Kurt couldn't help but find it more adorable then intimidating but he didn't think he should point that out as well. He didn't want to cruel and he knew his _one thing_ would sting. "Rachel!"

"Excuse me!"

"Yup, yes, and you know it. That girl was ridiculously pretentious and selfish and yet you-"

"Hey, she was passionate in a town of drones and I admired her ambition and talent."

"And yet- well that's what you claim but it's funny how no one else sees her that way-"

"No one?"

"Yes, no one."

"I think that's a bit of an exaggeration."

"Well you're wrong. And because you're the only one who thought like that it simply proves that were too weak to admit the truth because you were too weak to resist your raging hormones and needed someone to sleep with."

* * *

"_Okay, what did you get for number five?" Blaine asked the group of guys sprawled out in the common room. _

"_Two pi?" Nick offered with considerable doubt from where he was huddled in the corner with what seemed to Kurt like a permanent confused frown. _

"_Ummm, I think it's three over four pi," Blaine eased sending a sympathetic look in Nick's direction._

"_Yeah, I got three over four too," Wes agreed._

_Half of the group seemed pleased by this news and the other half seemed to join Nick. Kurt couldn't help but find their growing distress amusing. The integral calculus midterm was tomorrow and it seemed as if the class was not only insanely difficult but also a requirement for every program except Kurt's so while everyone else in the dorms was freaking out, he got to relax with a cup of tea and enjoy the entertainment. _

"_Don't think I can't see you laughing behind your mug, Hummel," Jeff accused. "You'd be just as frazzled as everyone else." _

"_Blaine doesn't seem that frazzled," he offered teasingly with a shrug._

"_Yeah, well, Blai-"_

"_Okay, okay, calm down," Blaine intervened, handing his mug to Kurt and making his way over to Nick and Jeff with his note book. "It wasn't that hard. Let's see what happened."_

_Wes went to work helping some the others as well but Kurt only had eyes for Blaine and his need but also ability to help others. Just like everything Blaine did, Kurt found it irresistibly cute. _

"_Oh, here. See those don't cancel, right?"_

"_Oh, for fucks sakes."_

"_Yeah so trig rules won't work. You have to use integration by parts."_

"_We tried that and didn't get anywhere, didn't we?" Nick asked Jeff._

"_Yeah. We ended up with original question," Jeff agreed and began shuffling through his mountains of paper to retrieve their earlier attempt and hand it to Blaine for inspection. _

"_Right," Blaine nodded eagerly. _

_Kurt guessed that the troubled twosome had been on the right track because Blaine always lit up when his _students_ were close to the answer. _

"_Do you remember doing this in class? You set the integral equal to all this new stuff plus the integral again and then you solve using basic algebra."_

"_Oh my god," Nick sighed in both relief and frustration. "I can't believe we missed that. We're so screwed."_

"_Come on, you were half way through. Part marks count for a lot and now you won't forget," Blaine tried to reassure as he returned to his seat. "Okay, problem five. Eight over eleven pi?" he asked with confidence as he took his mug back from Kurt._

"_Yup," Sebastian agreed quickly. _

_Kurt looked over to Blaine at this and found him looking back and exchanged an eye role before being interrupted by Jeff's moan and yet another wrong answer._

"_Noooo."_

"_Okay let's see-" _

"_Blainers!" came a nauseatingly enthusiastic voice from the hall, cutting Blaine off._

_Kurt tried to refrain from joining in with all the groaning and eye rolling coming from the study group. Being Blaine's best friend, he was trying to be supportive. He knew his heart would never stand fully behind Blaine and his romantic interests. It wasn't sturdy enough, falling fast and far at the simple affectionate use of pet names by another that he remembered as theirs from their childhood. The dark, heavy weight of eternal loneliness and the remedy sitting mere feet away always wanted to push his heart in between Blaine and Rachel instead of supporting them from a distance. It was something he knew he should work on but right now he would settle for superficial support. Rachel, herself, made even that difficult though and he caught a look from Blaine that seemed to prove he needed to work on both before the boy turned towards the short brunette with the hideous stockings. _

"_Hey, Rach." _

"_Hi!" she beamed, bounding over to him and seating herself in his lap so she could give him a hug and a very loud, smoochy kiss on the cheek. "Whatcha doing?"_

"_Studying for the midterm tomorrow," Blaine winced and he tried to unwrinkled all the paper she had squished when she sat down. _

"_Oh yeah? Cause I was thinking that you could help me rehearse my monologue," Rachel suggested with a coy smile as she fiddled with his bowtie._

"_Rach, I can't," Blaine sighed with obvious frustration and then lowering his voice as he continued. "You already asked me and I told you I had to study."_

"_Pleeease. You're Mr. Smarty Pants anyways." _

"_She has a point," Jeff teased._

"_You realize that I can't help you if I go, right?" Blaine countered._

"_Oh."_

"_Yeah, look Rach, I need to stay. It's worth thirty percent and I promised the guys I would help."_

"_So you'd rather help the peanut gallery than your own girlfriend?" Rachel bit._

_The raised eyebrows shot up before everyone's heads went down as if they were suddenly out of ear shot. Kurt kept his high though and glared directly at Rachel, support be dammed especially if she wasn't going to support Blaine with his own studies. _

"_Rachel, this is a huge portion of his grade."_

"_Yeah, Kurt, _his_ grade. So why are you here again?"_

"_Wow," Kurt chuckled in rage, standing up and heading for the hall way. "Okay, the last thing I need on my night of relaxation is to deal with a selfish brat!" _

* * *

_He had almost made it back to his room, after probably disturbing half of the building with his unnecessarily loud footsteps. The only good thing about the situation was that Kurt could mask his fear of Rachel's insinuation under anger for her disrespect which would hopefully prevent others from reading into the words. There was plenty of anger too, anger that turned into something equally, if not more, sinister when Sebastian came running after him and after a quick look around, pulled him back towards his room. _

_It was fast and hard, void of the usual witty banter. Not even all the clothes had hit the ground before Kurt felt Sebastian's thick and far too familiar cock ramming into him and he thrust back eagerly, too desperate to wait for his body to adjust. It was exactly what he needed, to sweat out all the toxins boiling with rage in his blood and Sebastian just seemed to get that. Or, at least that's what Kurt decided to believe. It was equally as likely that the other boy was simply taking advantage of his weakened state and by the way Sebastian sent him unceremoniously on his way afterwards, not even bothering to ask about feelings, this was probably the case. _

_Blaine walked in the door not five minutes after Kurt returned and he was suddenly very relieved that Sebastian had denied him a round two. Not that he wasn't allowed to take walks around the campus but Kurt wasn't the best liar when it came to Blaine and his friend would have definitely asked where he had gone simply out of curiosity. As it happened, Blaine was looking a little sheepish which peaked Kurt's curiosity. _

"_Get much studying done?"_

"_No actually. I was helping Rachel."_

"_Really?"_

"_Yeah, I mean, she did have a point. I already knew the stuff."_

"_So you feel good about tomorrow?" he asked out of genuine concern._

"_Yeah. I wouldn't have gone if I didn't."_

"_Promise?"_

"_Promise," Blaine answered rolling his eyes with a chuckle. "I promise I will not let a girl destroy my grades…. Or our friendship," he added with a wince. "I'm sorry about earlier." _

"_What? Oh. No. Don't worry about it. It's not your place to keep your girlfriend in line," Kurt assured. He wasn't dumb. He knew that blaming Blaine for Rachel being Rachel would drive him away. "I just hope she's a little nicer towards you than she is with everyone else," he added in a tone that just wasn't quite jokingly. _

"_Oh, trust me, she's plenty nice." Blaine decided to take the joke anyways. _

_Kurt turned around from where he'd been tidying his desk to shoot his roommate an unamused glare at the insinuation. Apparently the rustling noise coming from Blaine's side of the small room was not his roommate doing the same thing but instead, throwing a clean shirt and his toothbrush in his backpack. When Blaine noticed him staring, he sent Kurt a wink and a smirk. _

_He would have been a bit more scandalized but Blaine had alluded to the fact that their relationship had been headed that way for a while. This was simply the first official sleepover. It was another blow to know that he now had to share another thing about Blaine with Rachel, the way he snored softly, the way his eye lashes fluttered delicately when he woke up. It wasn't as heavy as a blow as when Blaine had first mentioned the sex thing, especially because that was brought up in conversation with the guys, not just with him, but it definitely still affected him, causing his voice to stutter as Blaine headed for the door. "W-well goodnight, I g-guess." _

"_See ya at breakfast."_

* * *

It was about forty five minutes after they left the diner that the black clouds finally opened up. There had been showers along the way but now it was really raining and within another fifteen minutes, the windshield wipers were having a hard time keeping up. Blaine slowed down to half the speed limit and kept going though for another half hour before he was finally forced to pull over due to the highway beginning to flood.

"We're kinda stranded aren't we?"

"Yup."

"Guess I'm not as smart as you think I am."

"What?" Blaine asked, turning to him with a puzzled grin.

"Oh, just at the diner. You told the waitress that you listened to me 'cause I was the smart one," Kurt explained. His tone was nonchalant

"Nah, you're still the smart one."

"Really? But you're the one who breezed through school."

"You did well in school," Blaine protested.

"Yeah but I had to try."

"Yeah," Blaine chuckled. "I remember how stressed you'd get. That time you called me at like three in the morning before the physics final."

"Oh my god, waves! Do not remind me about those stupid waves!"

"Sorry. But, I don't know, you always knew you wanted out of Lima and you knew that doing well in school would get you out so you tried. And I know school wasn't an easy place to be with all the bullying but you found a way to get through that and that all just seems smart to me," Blaine explained.

"Seriously?" Kurt asked a little stunned at Blaine's words. He had no idea that his friend thought this way or even that he had ever put any thought into it at all. It was little things like this that would pop seemingly out of nowhere with Blaine that kept his heart fluttering, in almost a cruel way, after all these years. He was almost at the point where the boy's ridiculously long eye lashes could no longer sway his opinion but words like these still heated his cheeks because they showed that Blaine truly took notice of him

"Oh, well, y-yeah…I guess."

Blaine's cheeks seemed to have found the heat in the midst of the storm too. It was funny that well into their adult lives with jobs and bills and taxes – they were on their way to a funeral for Christ sakes where a friend had made a very adult decision to take his own life – simple words could reduce them the bashful teenagers in seconds. Funny and odd in a way that made him always want to open that door that he had locked years ago because there had to be a reason.

They sat quietly for a while. Kurt found himself immersed in the heavy falling rain. It created a type of blanket or shield around the car, protecting him for reality and allowing his the peer through the key hole of that door for a few moments. It really shouldn't have felt like that considering the person he was observing in this alternate world was seated beside him, within the shield as well, but for some reason it still did.

Rain had a tendency for enabling him. When he was young, the gloomy whether allowed him to be sad about his mom without feeling guilty or the need to 'man up'. If the world was sad and crying, he could be too. When he got older, it allowed him to sit inside and read the day away and pretend that it was only the rain he was avoiding and not the jocks he went to school with who never let up. The rain let him wear hoodies without question, allowing him a break from his fashion savvy life on days when there was just too much else going on or he simply felt bloated from eating too much the previous night and the rain let him sleep until noon without a second thought because if the sun wasn't up, he as hell sure wasn't going to be either.

"Why do you think he did it?" Blaine eventually broke the silence, but only barely, as he continued to stare off into the rain.

"Oh. I don't know," Kurt answered, equally quietly, still staring out the window too. It helped to wash away the stream of emotions that built up when he thought about Sebastian and about this. "He always seemed so confident and sure of what he wanted and where he was headed. It's weird."

"People hide things behind confidence masks though."

Kurt swallowed hard at this and his gaze fell back within the car. He was happy Blaine was still turned away from him, towards the window, because he couldn't quite meet the other's eyes through this but there was too much to concentrate on now to let the rhythmic sound and mesmerising sight of rain take over. Keeping his voice steady was an effort in and of itself. "You think he was hiding something?"

"Sometimes."

"But we all hide some things. Like how I actually own a number of hoodies," he joked nervously. "You think his was big enough to…."

"Sometimes. Yeah."

"Sometimes? How much have you thought about this? It's only been like a day."

"Oh," Blaine shook his head, turning back into the car again but looking down at his lap instead of towards Kurt. "Um, I don't know. A lot. I mean we're dropping everything to go his funeral so it's kind of been prevalent. But, like, there was a letter and what if it changes everything?"

Kurt didn't really know how to answer that. That letter, even though Kurt highly doubted the exact contents would ever be revealed, worried him too. The thought that it might have something to do with those nights in Sebastian's dorm room scared him. It scared him because just opening their friend group up to the possible idea that one of them was gay might start planting seeds and that, just as Blaine had said, might change everything. The fact that Blaine was already anticipating something made it seem like he was already ready for it to change, that he wouldn't put up much fight to keep things the same. It was almost like Blaine already knew and was waiting for an excuse because it was just too hard to go there on his own.

A startlingly loud crash that lit up the sky saved him from his thoughts and answering Blaine. He hadn't seen the bolt, it must have been behind them, but it was definitely close. It was so loud he swore it stopped his heart. The lightning was followed by the rain picking up even more, which up until that point, Kurt had thought impossible.

"Oh, wow," Blaine laughed clutching his heart. "That was-" The thunder rumbling across the dark sky cut him off. "-intense."

"Yeah," Kurt agreed, relieved to see a smile back on his friend's face. The change in tone wasn't a surprise. Kurt didn't mind thunder and lightning but it had always been Blaine who had loved when the skies decided to wreak havoc on the ground below. "We're going to be here a while aren't we?"

"Probably for the night. At least we had entertainment for a while," Blaine shrugged, gesturing to the Mother Nature's extreme melt down just as another crack shot down from between the clouds causing them both to jump. "This is actually so cool!"

"It'd be better if we weren't cooped up in a car all night."

"We could climb in the back and put these seats down so we could spread out a bit."

Kurt couldn't help but role his eyes at Blaine's excitement but ultimately agreed. It took some fumbling and a few awkward limb placements to climb over and adjust the seats without getting out of the car but there were no serious injuries. Kurt got over his knocked funny bone quickly once he saw how close he was to the snacks they had packed and another round of rage from the heavens above helped Blaine settle in happily beside him.

"It just like when we were little and your mom helped us build that fort when we were scared so we would be safe."

"_Okay, okay. It'll be okay, KK," his mother soothed with a kind smile while running her fingers through his hair. "Oh, Blainers, are you scared too, honey."_

_Kurt peaked out from his mother's hip and turned to look back at his friend whose eyes were wide with fear and his curls were flopping wildly as he nodded his head fiercely. "It sounds like a gun in those grown up movies and guns are bad," he whimpered._

"_Shhhh. It's not a gun, baby, I promise. Sometimes things just aren't the way they seem. The storm can't hurt you. It's nothing to be afraid of," she tried to assure them, kneeling down to his level and taking his hands. Another flask and bang caused Kurt to jump into her arms and he felt Blaine collapse into his back immediately after. "What if we made the biggest and strongest fort so there would be no way for the storm to hurt you?"_

_Kurt nodded eagerly, suddenly very excited at the idea. He loved making forts, especially with Blaine, but they hard to make when they were both too short to secure all the sheets properly. His mom would be able to do that this time though._

* * *

"_Alright, why don't you go grab your pillows and blankets and bring them to the living room?"_

_By the time they got back down stairs, taking it very slowly to make sure they didn't trip on their blankets, his mom had already strung up a sheet from the book case to the television stand and had moved his dad's easy chair over the block in the little corner._

"_Can we stack up the couch cushions?" Kurt asked after spreading out his pillow and blanket next to Blaine's. _

"_Of course. I'm going to go make you guys some hot chocolate. I'll just be in kitchen so come get me if you're scared."_

_As they were gathering the cushions the lightning struck again. Kurt couldn't stop the tears from pooling. It was just so loud and came out of nowhere and was just so scary. He hid his face in the cushion to try and escape. _

"_Don't worry, Kurt. We're almost done," Blaine tried to reassure but Kurt could hear the fear in his voice and refused to look up. He felt Blaine's hand grip his lightly and guide him slowly over to the fort. "We're inside now. We're safe. We just need the last cushion."_

_Kurt reluctantly let Blaine take it from him but kept his eyes closed tight and refused to let go of Blaine's hand. "I'm still scared."_

"_I am too but look, there is no way anything bad could get us in here. Open your eyes and you'll see. It's so cozy and there aren't even any holes. Your mom did a really good job."_

_Slowly Kurt gave in and opened his eyes. Blaine was right. It looked amazing, by far the best fort they had ever made. His mom made the sheet swoop just right so that it reminded him of a turret. "It looks like a castle," he breathed quietly. _

"_And that would make you two the princes," his mother chimed as she brought them hot chocolate. _

"_But then we need a princess. You can't have the prince without the princess," Kurt said with some concern._

"_Well tomorrow you boys can go on a quest to look for her," she suggested before kissing them both on the forehead and returning to the kitchen. _

_They settled in quickly, inching closer so they were pressed up next to each other when another bolt lit up the sky. It wasn't as scary as before though. He did truly feel safe next to Blaine, tucked away, under his blanket in their fort. _

"_I think I kinda like it better without the princess," he said quietly._

"_Really? Me too," Blaine agreed. "This should just be the princes' castle. She can have her own castle."_

* * *

"It does sound like a gun, doesn't it," Blaine said suddenly. "It's awful. I love storms but now that's all I can think about."

"I know," he replied solemnly. He had been thinking it too but it was so eerie that he hadn't found the courage to say it out loud. "I don't get how he did it. It's so…. _violent_ and... Like how desperate must he have been?"

"And he was always the one who had the handle on things. Everyone else was freaking out and he'd just sit back and make obnoxious comments with like the biggest smirk I've ever seen."

"What happened?"

"Or was happening…. The lightning doesn't just come out of nowhere after all. It takes a long time for all that negative charge to build up before the need to equalize becomes that great. Hopefully he was able to transfer some of that bad to all of us and take some of our happiness and find a flash of light in all that dark before it was over.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 : Home**

* * *

At some point in the middle of the night Kurt awoke. It wasn't violent, like from a nightmare or a loud noise, but simply from normal sleep patterns. It took him a second to place his surroundings because it was rare that he slept in the back seat of his car, pulled over on the side of the highway. The rain was still coming down, though not as heavy, but the pitter patter on the roof was quite calming and cozy especially against the howling wind that had started at some point after he had fallen asleep. The odd part was that Kurt noticed the rain and the wind before he noticed Blaine and the way his friend's head was tucked against his shoulder, his wild curls tickling his cheek, and a good portion of his body was draped across Kurt's chest. The warm, heavy weight was comforting and although it made the butterflies stir and his heart thump a little faster, after a few moments of the steady breath against his neck, Kurt found that he was being lulled gently back to sleep without once questioning how they ended up in this position or if he should try to untangle himself.

When he awoke the next morning, it was to quite a different sight. The sky was blue and bright and clear and there was a cold absence of Blaine. He spotted Blaine quickly, leaning against the hood of the car and watching the road workers who were pumping the water away. He was impressed at how early they got there thought when he turned around he could see why. There were at least ten semi-trucks lined up behind them waiting for the road to clear and there would no doubt be more coming.

Unfortunately, all that shuffling just made him realize how badly he had to pee and he quickly figured that that's why Blaine was up meaning he should probably shouldn't try to hold it. He threw his flannel button up on over his undershirt before stepping outside.

"Mornin'," Blaine greeted with his signature grin that was truly as bright as the early sun newly freed from behind the clouds.

"Hey. Any suggestions on good a pee spot?"

"Yup," Blaine chuckled with a nod. "The trees just there," he pointed. "Good cover from both sides and there's a bit of a path down to them."

"Fantastic," he replied with a hint of sarcasm. Road side urination was never something he found pleasant.

Blaine seemed to find his disdain amusing though and simply sent him on his way. The spot did have good coverage but he didn't really appreciate the fact that the line of truckers clearly saw him walk down and clearly knew what he was doing and somehow that was more unsettling than using a normal public restroom. His bladder thanked him greatly though and he made it back in one piece and took the spot beside Blaine against the hood.

"Been up long?"

"'Bout forty-five minutes. The road crew woke me up."

"I can drive again if you're tired?"

"No that's fine. I uh, I actually slept p-pretty well," Blaine stuttered.

Kurt couldn't help but notice the way the boy looked down at his feet and his cheek flushed. It was a look that could only be described as bashful and it was odd seeing the look from Blaine. He was always so confident. Even around girls, Blaine always knew just the right thing to say and never seemed flustered. Which made it even stranger that _he_ would make Blaine nervous in some regard but Kurt didn't see any other explanation for the timid behaviour. It reminded him of his reaction the other morning when he had awoken on the couch to discover that he had been using Blaine as a body pillow. He couldn't help his some facet of his mind from going there. It was a dangerous place but it wasn't that farfetched to assume that similar behaviour came from a similar emotion. He could simply let it go but for some reason he was feeling brave that morning. He had after all, just peed by the side of the road.

"You okay?"

"What? Oh, n-no. No. I'm fine."

"Well that was convincing," Kurt replied sarcastically, giving Blaine a playful nudge. Blaine smiled but didn't seem to really know how to respond. "If you're worried about the cuddling, don't be. It wouldn't be the first time."

"Oh. So you know about that?"

"Woke up in the night."

"Sorry."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why are you sorry? I mean I fell asleep on you on the couch and you didn't seem to mind so why do you think that I'll mind?"

"Oh, uh… I don't know," Blaine muttered quickly. "I guess I just said it."

"You sure? You've just seemed a little jumpy and I just want to make sure I'm not the cause of it."

"N-no, no! It's not you," Blaine assured adamantly, finally turning to look at Kurt again. "I promise. It's just me or….this whole thing. I don't know."

"It's scary isn't it?" Kurt was still unsure of Blaine's answer. He seemed sincere but there was something that still didn't quite sit right. Kurt wondered if maybe he was projecting too much of his own feelings on what he saw in Blaine and so he decided to believe him for now. There was a lot of other things going on, very serious, scary things. Blaine's nod seemed to implicate his agreement. "He's just….he's gone. And he was an ass hole and all but he was also _really _smart and athletic and driven….and now…"

"It's just gone. All of it – _him._ Do you ever think that maybe he wasn't _really _an ass hole? Like maybe it was a cover for what was actually going on."

"Yes," he nodded. That was something Kurt thought about a lot. Back in college, if he was in a good enough mood that Sebastian's comments could simply slide off his back, he always questioned the motive behind the words. He knew well of the torture that came with growing up in a small, close minded town, never mind a _country_ that continuously tore into something that was just so fundamentally a part of him. He knew what it was like to hide that part of himself and live in fear of it despite the fact that in most people, _normal_ people, it was considered beautiful and something to cherish. It was all incredibly lonely and isolating and degrading in a way that made it impossible to get out of bed on some mornings and even on those days where it was manageable, he was never fully there. Part of him was always left behind, leaving him feeling vulnerable and incomplete. He wasn't really _living_. He was simply going through the monotonous and agonizing motions because his irregular heart beat just didn't fit the beaten path that had been carved without any logical or compassionate thought.

He, at least, had Blaine and although his friend didn't necessarily know about or have this cardiovascular condition, Blaine had always been able to march to its rhythm. Blaine was good at coaxing him out of bed, even the parts that rarely saw the world beyond the covers. He was good at patching those missing holes and injecting a little life back into him without so much as even knowing he was doing so. That's just who Blaine was and who he was to Kurt.

As far as Kurt knew, Sebastian didn't have anyone. In fact, _Kurt_ was probably the closest person he had to a Blaine. That was a scary thought. Kurt had never cared about Sebastian the way Blaine cared for him. He never took the time to get to know him, his quirks, his favorite shows, movies, books, bands, his coffee order. Kurt couldn't even remember what Sebastian had majored in. He didn't think he ever knew. And it was those things, those little things that although didn't fix everything, kept him from shutting down completely and building up a robotic like armour to simply close out the world that seemed so keen on tearing him down.

This realization seemed to hit him fast and hard and before he could stop them, tears were running down his cheeks.

"Kurt?" Blaine sought tentatively. "Oh, hey. It's gonna be okay. It'll be okay," he soothed, pulling him into a hug.

"No," he shook his head, where it was buried in Blaine shoulder. "It won't. It could've, if I had just…"

"Just what? Kurt, you didn't cause this. This isn't your fault," Blaine stated softly but with a conviction to his voice. "This isn't your fault."

Kurt just shook his head and held tighter. He couldn't believe Blaine's words when Blaine was speaking from the room beyond the dark and confined closet that had seemingly trapped both he and Sebastian and their _relationship_. It's not that Blaine was lying or exaggerating, he just was just speaking from his own truth where Kurt barely spoke two words to Sebastian because he justly found Sebastian to be an asshole and so he most certainly had no idea what had caused him unbearable pain and therefore couldn't have helped. There were several times in Kurt's life where he had wanted to live in that room and the world beyond the relentlessly solid door. It used to be that he wanted to be straight and normal like everyone else but it had evolved into wanting to live his life honestly and in the open. Now though, the sudden flood of guilt made him long to simply live in that blissful unawareness and to not be burdened with all the dark that lingered in the back corners.

"Shh, here, come on, let's go sit in the car."

He didn't really want to let go of Blaine but drawing an audience seemed worse so Kurt allowed himself to be led around to the passenger side where Blaine opened the door for him and helped him in. He followed Blaine's outline, blurred through his tears, as he jogged around to the driver's side. He go as far as to say that it was a lens he was _used_ to seeing Blaine through but of all the people in his life, besides maybe his mother, his best friend was the one he was most familiar looking at through his own tears because he was the only one Kurt felt comfortable enough crying in front of.

_He should have listened to his dad. His dad had sensed that his mind had been elsewhere and had given him an out but for some stupid reason he had refused to show weakness. He had to be brave. He had to be strong. He had needed to be those things ever since his mom died. He had promised her and he could see that his dad had had a tough time and so he couldn't add to his stress and grief by acknowledging his own. Recently though, Kurt had begun to notice that it wasn't just his dad that he needed to act tough around. _

_He had begun to hear whispers and snickers behind him during class and anonymous shouts from across the school yard and lunch. He tried not to pay attention to it but it was hard and sometimes he felt the need to hide away all the things that made the boys at the back of the class think he was a sissy. Telling his dad or a teacher about the bullying would make him just that though so it quickly became just one more thing he had to bottle up and the pressure building up inside was getting too great. His dad was beginning to notice something was off and when the latest unit's math test landed on the four year anniversary of his mother's death, his dad had offered to let him stay home. _

_Kurt had to be tough though and so he refused to take the easy way out but he was gravely regretting his decision now. It was like his whole body was shaking. His leg was twitching up and down, his couldn't keep his pencil moving in a straight line, even his brain seemed to be scrambling all the numbers on the page. The overwhelming loud sound of furious scrawls and the whooshing of paper signaled that everyone around him, even the dumb kids, had already finished the first page and wasn't even half way. It didn't take long for him to realize that he was going to fail the test. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. He had never failed anything. He couldn't cry though. That would just make everything worse and he bit down hard on the inside of his cheek and tried to focus. He ignored the salty tang of iron on his tongue as his teeth ground through the first layer of skin and kept forcing them further. Panic began setting in when the tears did not go away like they usually did when he chewed up the inside of his mouth. His breathing was suddenly erratic and yet his lungs felt starved for oxygen and if his head wasn't spinning before, it certainly was now._

"_Kurt?" he distantly heard Blaine whisper in concern beside him._

"_No talking, boys," the teacher automatically responded before she actually took in the situation. "Kurt are you okay?"_

"_I think he's having a panic attack."_

"_Okay, okay. Everyone stay in your seats. Blaine, can you help me take him to the nurse?"_

_Everything seemed so far away. He could feel both Blaine's and Mrs. Davies' arms supporting him and guiding him, as well as a cool breeze from paper being fanned in his face but that all felt like it was miles away or like he was watching it all happen from somewhere outside his body. From this vantage point it was a truly pathetic scene. A simple grade seven math test had made the scrawny little boy at the front of the class lose his mind completely and he now had to have his friend and his teacher support his weight as they carded him off to the nurse, the safe haven for sissies._

_Mrs. Davies went back to the classroom as soon as he was settled in the nurse's room and insisted that Blaine go with her. At the time Kurt didn't really know how he felt about being separated from his friend. He didn't want to appear weak in front of Blaine but he knew Blaine had never thought of him like that before. It wasn't until Blaine came to check on him during the break between classes that Kurt really realized how much he needed his friend._

"_Knock knock. How're doing?" Blaine asked cautiously. _

"_Alright," he mumbled looking at his shoes. "It's just been a tough day."_

_Blaine nodded solemnly, hoping up on the bed to sit next to him. "I don't get why you didn't stay home. I would've."_

"_Because I don't want to need too," he admitted as tears pooled in his eyes again. He didn't feel the need to hide them this time though. _

"_You can't choose the things you need."_

"_I know," he choked, nodding in agreement in case his words had been indecipherable. _

"_Is your dad coming?"_

"_No. I asked them not to call. He's busy with work. He even said that he would've stayed home today if he could've but they're swamped." _

"_You're not going to tell him are you?"_

"_No. And you're not going to either," he stated defiantly as the first real tears began to run slowly down his cheeks. Blaine was forming a rather annoying habit of informing his father of things Kurt would have rather kept to himself._

_When Blaine didn't respond for a few moments, Kurt finally looked up from his dangling feet without bothering to clear his eyes. He found his friend staring intently back at him. It was like he was looking for something, that something that Kurt had been bottling up inside him for four years. _

"_Okay," Blaine started hesitantly. "I'll keep quiet _but _you have to come with me afterschool to visit her."_

"_What?"_

"_You know exactly what."_

"_Blaine. Y-you don't have to."_

"_I know but you do," he insisted gently._

"_I-I…I can't," Kurt stuttered as the pressure suddenly began leaking out the hole Blaine had borne. The tears really began to fall then and before he knew what was happening, Blaine's arms were wrapped around him and his face was buried Blaine's shoulder where his navy blue polo shirt absorbed each tear willingly, without protest._

He quickly found himself in the same position once Blaine sat down in the driver's seat and he was extremely grateful for that. He just couldn't be alone right now and although he knew from experience that bottling up guilt and distress was never a good long term solution, Kurt just couldn't see any other option. Maybe once this was over, once they had said goodbye and were back in New York and the turmoil had subsided. Then he wondered though if Blaine would be angry if he confessed after the fact. This did seem like an in in some ways and there was something cruel about pretending to be in the dark and then forcing it all on Blaine later, after some form of order had been returned to the world. The problems of tomorrow though seemed punitive compared to those of today and so as Blaine's comforts eventually began to do their job, Kurt just shook his head and shrugged his shoulders is response to the inevitable questions. His friend seemed to accept it, summing it up to the way he wore his heart on his sleeve and after the water had been drained shortly after noon, they continued down the highway, smiles ready for his father's bear hug greeting at the front door of his childhood home.

"Come'ere, kiddo. It's been way too long," his father jokingly berated as he engulfed him. "Four years! It's been four years and you promised to be home every Christmas."

"I know," Kurt replied sheepishly as he pulled away somewhat reluctantly. He was a little surprised at how good his father's arms felt around him. They had never been particularly close but maybe that didn't matter as much as he thought it did. "Sorry. It's just been hectic with work and auditions and all."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what you always say. And you," Burt continued turning to Blaine, "You were supposed to make him come visit."

"I know, sir. I've tried, I swear but you know Kurt. He's a stubborn one."

"It's Burt, kid and yes, I know far too well of his stubbornness," Burt corrected, shooting Kurt a pointed look before giving Blaine a quick hug. "I'm not going to accept that next time though so either get thinking or get on a plane. Your choice," he chuckled helping them bring their bags inside. "I've been at the shop all day so I haven't had time to set the couch up but I know we got blankets and stuff somewhere and dinner's just a phone call away."

"Pizza?" Kurt asked heading to the kitchen to grab the menu off the fridge.

"Sure."

"Whatever you kids want."

After placing the order, Kurt wandered into the living room to a familiar scene. The game was on and his dad was sitting in his recliner with a beer. It was nice to see that some things never changed.

"Blaine just hoped in the shower real quick," his dad informed

Kurt hummed in response and took a seat on the couch. "Pizza'll be twenty minutes."

"Sounds good…. How you boy's doin' with all this?"

"Okay," Kurt lied with shrug. "It's awful and all but we hadn't seen him in years and he was kinda an ass hole."

"Yeah, I remember you complainin' 'bout him. It's nice of you to come all this way for the funeral when you didn't like the kid."

The statement was laden with not so subtle questions but Kurt chose to ignore those and simply nod instead.

"If you want to talk about it, I'm always here," his father continued, seemingly able to see right through his nonchalance. "I know it can be hard to talk to your buddies about this stuff. When, uh, you know, when your mom passed it, uh… It's just not conversation for the game or the pub and that was hard sometimes. Now you know I'm no stranger to death and I know this situation is a bit different from your mom but I'll still be here to listen and help where I can."

"Thanks, dad," Kurt answered with an equal sincerity in which his father had spoken.

It was odd. In that moment, above many others that had occurred over his twenty five year life, Kurt had felt the strongest urge to come out. He knew this side of his father existed, the warm, compassionate, willing to dig into the hard topics side, but he rarely saw it and so when he did, his survival instincts told him to take full advantage of it.

"_Hey, kiddo! How was school?" he heard his dad call from the kitchen. He cursed lightly under his breath at the fact that he was home and not at the shop. It would be too hard to hide now._

"_H-hi," he answered back, rushing upstairs and pulling Blaine by the hand behind him. _

"_Hi, Blaine," his dad called, clearly hearing the multiple footsteps on the stairs. "You boys want a snack? I bought chips."_

_Kurt felt himself begin to panic. He didn't want a snack because a snack meant his father would bring it to them and see the carnage. Blaine must have noticed the frantic eyes and quickened breath because he quickly stepped in. "No thanks, Mr. Hummel. We grabbed coffee after school."_

"_Thanks," Kurt whispered, letting out a relieved breath when his dad seemed to buy Blaine's excuse._

"_No problem," his friend whispered back, giving his hand a little squeeze and taking over the leading, shutting Kurt's bedroom door tight behind them once they were safely inside. "What now?"_

"_You need new clothes. We'll just let them soak in the sink until I can sneak down and throw them in the wash. Hopefully they'll be salvageable 'cause I like that shirt on you."_

"_Well you should. You're the one who picked it out after all," Blaine chuckled with a playful nudge. _

_Kurt smiled back, a hint of a blush creeping up his cheeks. The lightened mood didn't last long though when the rapidly forming bruise on his cheek began to throb. He didn't even want to imagine what it looked like._

"_You might want to sneak down there fast and get an ice pack. That looks really awful, Kurt," Blaine said softly as he stepped in a little closer and gently peeled his hand away from where he was holding his cheek so he could get a better look. "I don't get why you said anything. They would have left."_

"_I don't get why you jumped in front of me. You would've saved your shirt." _

"_Hey, you said it wasn't a lost cause yet," Blaine replied with a phoney pout before stepping back a pulling his shirt over his head. "Bathroom sink? Hot or cold?"_

"_Uh, y-yeah. Cold," he stuttered at the sudden display of toned, tanned skin. "I'll grab you a new one."_

_He had to dig a bit to find a shirt that would fit. Blaine's shoulders had filled quite a bit in the past few years. It also had to be something that his dad would believe to be Blaine's so he wouldn't ask questions._

"_Here," Blaine offered, holding out a damp wash cloth and pressing it gently to Kurt's cheek. "Just until we can get the ice." _

_He had managed to find a shirt but couldn't bring himself to hand it over because that would mean Blaine would have to step away in order to put it on. He didn't want Blaine to step away. He wanted Blaine close like this, always, taking care of him, tending carefully to his battle wounds after braving the trenches together. It all seemed worth it if it could end like this. _

_Of course it couldn't end like this though. Blaine's soft gaze was from concern not love and apparently, his father hadn't bought their story of full stomachs and busted unsuspectedly into his room and the moment Kurt never wanted to end. _

"_Dad! Oh my god, have you never heard of knocking," he shouted, jumping away from Blaine in panic, suddenly more afraid of his dad noticing the way he looked at his best friend than the way his face currently looked._

"_Oh, s-sorry, sorry. I just remembered being a growing bo – Hell, Kurt! What happened?"_

"_Nothing," he mumbled, turning his gaze to the floor. _

"_Nothing my ass. Someone took out your cheek bone and gave you a bloody nose. Who?"_

"_Forgot about the nose," he huffed. "Just jerks at school. It's really nothing, dad."_

"_Why?"_

"_I was dumb."_

"_No, you were brave," Blaine spoke up._

"_No, _you_ were brave," he corrected._

"_Yeah, where were you while they were beatin' up my kid," his dad bit at Blaine._

"_Dad! You don't even know what happened!"_

"_That's 'cause no one'll tell me."_

"_They were going to throw slushies at me, okay! Happy now?" he shouted, hating himself for having to admit to his father what a loser and a freak he really was. "Blaine saw and jumped in front." A loser, freak who couldn't even look out for himself and needed a hero._

"_The sugar got in my eye and burned pretty bad. I couldn't really see or do anything. Kurt just started yelling at them and one of the guys just lost it and…" Blaine trailed off gesturing to Kurt's battered face. "I'll uh, I'll just go throw my shirt in the wash."_

_Kurt couldn't stop the tears forming in his eyes. He didn't want Blaine to leave. He didn't want to be alone with his father and that look of pure confusion and frustration that appeared whenever his dad was faced with the fact that his son wasn't like him. Apparently his dad didn't want to deal with it either as he quickly excused himself under the pretence of fetching an ice pack. The relief was short lived however. Once alone, safe from judgmental stares and impossibly frightening questions pointed at the demons he rather not face, the sheer loneliness of the situation struck him. He would forever be the lone target of others ignorance. Blaine was only subjected to the cruelty out of choice. He chose to step in and be the hero while Kurt could never find a way out of being the victim. In times like these they could tend to their wounds together but they would never truly be _together,_ he'd never be able to find true solace in their conversation because Blaine's were noble battle scars, worthy of a purple heart, while his were shameful reminders that he was not worthy of the status of human being. His dad would nod proudly at Blaine but stare appalled at him. _

"_Jesus, kid," his dad mumbled as he returned and handed him the ice pack. "Are you sure everything's intact?"_

"_Yeah," Kurt mumbled back, wincing slightly as he placed the ice pack on his cheek._

"_I don't get why you tried to hide this."_

"_I don't know," he lied with a shrug._

"_You're gonna haf'ta do better than that." When Kurt made no effort to respond his dad continued, "See, 'cause from where I stand, you have nothin' to hide. You stood up for your friend and for yourself and yeah, in light of the physical ramifications, that might not have been the wisest thing to do but it was definitely the bravest. I know Blaine greatly appreciates it even if he doesn't encourage a repeat in the future. You're a good friend to him, you know. With his parents away all the time and all, I'm sure it's nice for him to have someone he can count on. You should be proud of yourself. I know I'm proud of you."_

_Kurt looked up at his father for the first time since he had re-entered his room. That was the last thing he expected to hear from his dad, especially right now._

"_I am, Kurt," his father reassured since the look on his own face must have been some form of shock. "I am _extremely_ proud of you. I know your mother would be too. She would tell you more often as well. Guess I've never been good at this sorta thing but just know that those kids, the ones that did this to you, are the ones who are wrong. Not you. So you have nothing to hide, okay?" he asked pointedly. _

"_Okay," Kurt nodded, his voice quieted by the surprise and the comfort that had come from his father's word._

_And he thought about it then. The support he had just been given made the burden that held been carrying for so long seem lighter and floated it up towards the surface with ease from depths where it had been buried for so long. And his dad was just standing there, almost waiting for it. _

_He didn't though and he wasn't really sure why, maybe it was because Blaine was just downstairs and that seemed just a little too close for this or maybe it was because it all just seemed easy, the turnaround had just been so fast, almost too fast to be real. And so he just swallowed hard, repressing everything that had made its way prematurely to the surface and thanked his dad before going to go find Blaine. _

This wasn't just coming out though. This was admitting to having had a seedy affair with a boy he hated. This was admitting to knowing someone else's secret and interacting with them for years in a destructive manner that just fed the pain that drove him to the edge. This was admitting to using someone while completely ignoring any of their cries for help. This was just something much bigger than finally telling someone other than Sebastian that he was gay and so he just couldn't bring himself to say it.

"I'll uh, I'll keep it in mind."

"Sure, kiddo. Whatever you want."

**A/N: hey guys! I hoped you liked chapter 4. Just thought I'd let you now that I'm going on vacation this week so I might not be able to respond to reviews right away (nebula2, this is really just for you since nobody else seems to be enjoying this) but I'd still love the here your thoughts**

**-Katie **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hey guys! So I kinda wanted this to be the last chapter but I know that wouldn't go over well so I'll be posting chapter 6 tomorrow to wrap it up. **

* * *

**Chapter 5 : The Funeral  
**

* * *

It was odd that waking up in his childhood bed was more disorienting than waking up in the car had been the previous morning. Maybe it was because Blaine was nowhere in sight seeing as he had taken the living room couch or maybe it was because his childhood seemed impossibly far away from where he was now. It was almost cruel to see his once beloved stuffed animals lined neatly on the shelf on the wall beside and be reminded of how his troubles used to be solved by a snuggle session. It wasn't that his problems used to be smaller necessarily, the death of one's mother was a life shattering occurrence at any age, but his mind simply used to be filled with so much hope and innocence and optimism that the belief that everything would work out fine if he just held tight and made it through the night was sufficient.

If a snuggle session wouldn't take his troubles away, lying in bed and having a staring contest with his teddy bear across the room wouldn't either so Kurt eventually decided to get up and face the day ahead of him. It was certainly going to be a long one.

He took an extra long shower, afforded to him because he woke before his alarm. The hot water soothed him slightly but it would have taken another hour or so under the steam to truly relax him. He took his time getting dressed too, breaking out the ironing board and doing his entire shirt because of a few wrinkles that would have been hidden under his jacket anyways. Fashion had always been his thing though, his armour, his means of expression and so just like the shower, he reveled in it as long as he could, stand in front of his full length mirror and fiddling with his tie and collar and cuffs long after they perfect. He only stopped when Blaine knock on his bedroom door.

"You look handsome," his friend commented, walking over and standing next to him in his own suit.

"Thanks," he said with a blush, taking in Blaine's attire. "You too... Are you allowed to look handsome at a funeral?"

"Oh. That does sound weird, doesn't it? I guess it's better than cool or hip though."

"Very true," he nodded with a smile.

"Do you think the bowtie is okay? Is it too _happy_? Your dad said I could borrow one of his ties."

"Umm," he pondered as looked through the mirror critically at the charcoal gray bow tie on his friend's neck. "No, I think it works. Maybe not on everyone but they're your thing so it should be fine."

"You sure?" Blaine asked, beginning to fiddle with it.

"Yes, it's prefect. Now stop," he berated playfully, batting Blaine's hands away and taking it upon himself to fix the crookedness the fiddling had caused. "There, now you're set."

"Are you set?" Blaine asked and somehow Kurt knew he wasn't talking about his outfit.

"No."

"Yeah, me neither," Blaine sighed and looked around the room as if looking for a way out. Presumably he didn't find one though as he eventually turned back to Kurt with a small, defeated smile. "Come on," he relented and took Kurt's hand, pulling him out of the bedroom and down the stairs towards the kitchen.

Kurt didn't miss the way Blaine let go when they rounded the corner, now within the sight line of his father. It wasn't as if they held hands often but there did seem to be a difference between this time and the last time.

"_Bowtie again, Anderson?"_

"_Yeah," Blaine chuckled in a tone bordering on embarrassment. "I wear'em every day." _

"_In my office? We'll have to see about this. They're a little… _flashy,_" the suit commented with disdain. _

_Blaine didn't really have a response for this and Kurt couldn't blame him. He knew if he opened his mouth it would comprise of a string of profanity that would certainly be too _flashy_ for this oh so elegant Christmas party. _

"_Aww loosen up, Anderson. Here have some champagne."_

"_No than-"_

"_Thank-you, Mr. Daws. We'd love some," Blaine cut him off, accepting the offered glass from his superiors. He shoved Kurt slightly, prompting him to do so too._

"_Best quality booze for a great party, right?" The suit stated, fishing for a compliment. _

"_Oh, definitely," Blaine replied with enthusiasm so fake that Kurt's eyes rolled automatically. _

"_Well enjoy yourselves. The night's just getting started," he bid as he turned back to join the crowd. _

"_Uhg, I hate champagne," Kurt groaned._

"_Here," Blaine offered, pouring his own into the potted plant behind them and doing the same with Kurt's. "All gone. Now, where were we? Okay, what about them? Secretly living a BDSM lifestyle?" Blaine asked, nodding over to one of the other CEO's and his wife who were talking to the couple that Kurt had just declared to be on the brink of a messy divorce due to her way-too-fake bubbly personality and his creepy clown figurine collection. _

"_Nah," Kurt answered with a shake of his head. He took a sip of his rum and coke, tilting his head and pondering the couple before answering. "They're both secretly having an affair with the African American doorman who they mutter semi racist remarks about to each other."_

"_You think Mr. Carver is gay?" Blaine asked in disbelief, trying to contain his laughter._

"_No. Adventurous. See, they're both still madly in love with each other but they've been putting on such this stiff, prudish, stick-shoved-up-their-ass act for so long that they've honestly forgotten that the other is simply pretending too."_

"_Oh my god!" Blaine exclaimed. "And what does Mr. Doorman have to say about this?"_

"_He's conflicted," he stated simply, taking another sip of his drink. "Because you see on one hand, he feels guilty for keeping them from each other but on the other hand, because of the systematic racism in this country preventing him from ever moving beyond doorman status, he cannot find a true love of his own. They are all he has. It's all very tragic."_

"_You're insane," Blaine stated as he collapsed his head onto his shoulder in attempts to stifle his amusement. _

"_Yeah well, I still have enough cognitive thought to know this party is a bust. Can we go now? Pleeease!"_

"_Yeah, yeah. I guess I've made my rounds."_

"_Thank god!" Kurt exclaimed as he set he downed his drink and followed Blaine to the coat room. His joy however, did not last too long. "You're kidding me! After a never ending night of mindless schmoozing and bad music, it decides to rain," Kurt complained staring out at the dark grey wash of the city while standing still safe in the lobby of Blaine's office after departing the Christmas party. He winced as a cab, its bright yellow colour dimmed, speed through a puddle, spraying a pedestrian with the dirty water that had pooled on the city street. In his opinion, that was a fate worse than death._

"_Come on, it wasn't that bad. There was free booze," Blaine pointed out, buttoning up his coat and adjusting his collar._

"_And yet I'm not nearly drunk enough to miss the fact that my jacket is going to be completely ruined."_

"_Well, it's December in New York so whose fault is that?" Blaine asked with a smirk._

"_Ugh," Kurt continued, not even paying attention to his friend's jab. "Not to mention my boots. My poor, poor boots. I knew I should have brought an umbrella. This always happ-"_

"_Oh shut up," Blaine interrupted in friendly banter, grabbing his hand and pulling him out into the street and the rain, towards the subway station._

"_Ahhh! Blaine! I'm going to kill you," he shouted feeling the water begin to soak through his socks after Blaine guided them through several puddles. _

_It wasn't until his socks were completely soaked though and they couldn't get any worse that he was able to see beyond the rain and really realized that Blaine was holding his hand. His grip was tight yet comfortable, like Blaine was in charge and Kurt had no choice but to follow but that was exactly what he wanted to do, what he had always wanted to do. And his hand was warm. His wet clothes had made the New York winter night bite just that extra bit more but his left hand felt as if it was perched cozily in front of a roaring fireplace, greedily soaking up the warmth that radiated from Blaine's right. The more he starred at their clasped hands, suddenly thankful for his friend's guiding skills because that was all could see at the moment, the warmer his entire body began to feel and the more the rain seemed to vanish even though the sky showed no signs of letting up. _

_The rain only re-entered his radar once they were down the concrete steps and at the turnstiles, under the cover of the subway station, when Blaine had finally let go. He had needed his hand back to fish his metro card out of his pocket. _

"_See, it wasn't that bad. No melting into the sidewalk ala the wicked witch of the west," Blaine breezed, turning to face him as he walked backwards through the turnstile with a smile. _

_There was something heart breaking about the ease in which Blaine spoke. Sure, it meant that his friend hadn't minded running through the New York streets with him hand in hand but it also drowned any significance to the gesture. The pang was his own fault though. If the past twenty years had taught him anything, it was that he shouldn't be looking for significance. Blaine's hand had just fit so well and the way he looked back at him, eyes wide, water dripping from his curls, cheeks flushed brilliantly pink from running, and that smile, wide with a hint of a smirk, pulled his mind into its own depths. _

That was the difference though. The significance. When Blaine draped his hand then it had been because he had needed it back. But now, it seemed like Blaine had dropped it because he didn't want anyone to see and that made it significant. Of course there were other possibilities for this significance besides the one that had haunted Kurt in the wee hours of the morning for years. For instance, it was entirely possible that Blaine was upset over anticipating the coming day or why the day was coming in the first place and he let go because it's weird for two guys to hold hands and because it's weird for a guy to be upset in the first place. Kurt had to smile though as he accepted a mug of hot coffee from his dad because at least being the person that Blaine could let his guard down around was something.

"Wacha havin'?"

"Coffee's fine. Thanks, dad."

"That's not healthy, kiddo. You need food. You're gettin' too thin, isn't he Blaine?"

Blaine looked up from the paper and gave him a quick once over with a wink. "Nah, he's always been scrawny." His gaze felt heavier from some reason.

"Jesus, I don't know why I trust my kid with you. You're goin' kill him," his dad continued giving Blaine a light smack to the back of his head.

"You'll kill yourself quicker with all that frozen crap in the freezer," Kurt countered pointedly.

"Yeah, yeah. Well it's probably for the best 'cause you boys should hit the road."

The drive to Westerville, the small Ohio town where Sebastian grew up parallel to them, took them an hour and forty five minutes. As sick as Kurt was of the car after the two day drive, the trip was still much too short for his liking. He looked around at the sea of people with sullen expressions in black suits but couldn't seem to pick out any of their friends. He couldn't focus on anyone's face. He didn't know why. Maybe it was because nobody looked like themselves in this situation, or at least themselves that Kurt had known. Grief was simply an emotion that transformed people and took them over in a way, from facial expressions and posture to the way they walked and reacted to those around them. It made them unrecognizable. It took away who they were, the human in them, and turned them into drone like slaves of Death, once oblivious to his existence and now, isolated from society by the binds that kept them on the brink of falling at his feet at Death's every torturous whim.

Or maybe Kurt couldn't pick out his friends because as he looked at the car window, his mind seemed transported back seventeen years.

"_Daddy, no," Kurt whined as his father gently stroked his back to coax him from his sleep. He wasn't used to being up this early anymore. His dad had been letting him stay home from school and sleep in since it happened. _

"_I know, buddy. Trust me, I know," his dad sighed sadly. "We've gotta do this though."_

_At those words, Kurt remembered exactly why he was being woken up so early. They had to say goodbye today. He peered out from his covers and over to his desk chair to where his suit was pressed and laid out. Last night his dad had helped him with the iron and they had ended up in a fit of giggles when it turned out that Kurt knew more about it than his dad. Watching his mother around the house instead of kicking balls around in muddy grass seemed to be paying off. When his dad had tucked him in last night he had commended his on how brave he was being and asked him to try his hardest to be brave today too because he needed him. And so, Kurt did just that._

_He got up, he got dressed, ate breakfast, brushed his teeth, and followed his father out the door and to the car without and further fuss. It wasn't until they pulled up to the cemetery that being brave didn't seem as easy anymore. There were just so many people and dressed all in black they seemed to blend together into a mob of sorts. It was made even worse when they all tuned to stare at him and his father as they walked towards them and the large rectangular hole in the ground that they were all standing around. At times like these, when he was nervous, he would always reach for his mom's hand which would always already be right there waiting for him. He thought about reaching for his dad's but he was busy greeting everyone. Kurt guessed that this is what his dad meant about needing to be brave. His dad had said that it was just for today though but that wasn't really true. His mom would never be there to hold his hand when he was scared again. He would have to stand tall and by himself for the rest of his life. _

"_Hi Kurt," he a familiar voice greet in hesitance. _

_He smiled through his water eyes when he saw his friend dressed in his own suit. "Hi."_

"_Blaine, come take your seat," his mother beckoned. Any sort of reassurance was dashed when Blaine turned to leave. He wanted to protest but to be honest, he was a little afraid of Mrs. Anderson. _

"_Oh, Jane," His dad turned, interrupting his own conversation with another adult Kurt didn't recognize. "Why don't you let Blaine sit with us? Kurt might need some company when I get up to talk."_

"_I just don't want him to be a bother."_

"_You kiddin'? Your kid is the politest boy I've ever known. He's no bother at all."_

"_Okay then," Mrs. Anderson relented. "I'll see you later then," she said to Blaine before expressing her condolences and turning to take her seat. _

"_Are you okay?" Blaine asked once his mother was gone._

"_I'm scared," Kurt whispered quietly. "Mommy always used to hold my hand when I was scared but now…" he trailed off as the tears began to fall. He turned away from his father a little so he wouldn't think he wasn't being brave. _

"_Here," Blaine offered, handing him a handkerchief. "I'm really sorry, Kurt."_

_Kurt just nodded and quickly dabbed away the tears. After handing the handkerchief back to Blaine, he felt Blaine's hand slip into his. It was smaller than his mother's but still fit perfectly ad Blaine gripped just tight enough so that he still felt like he had an anchor. _

"It reminds you of your mom's funeral, doesn't it?" Blaine asked as they joined the rest of the guests.

"Yeah," he nodded, trying to keep from tearing up at the memory. Blaine didn't say anything else but just like years before, Kurt felt his friend slip their hands together.

When the ceremony started, a tall, slim girl with straight, chestnut hair and blue eyes made her way to the podium. Still trapped in the past, Kurt couldn't help but think she looked like his mother. He had never seen her age like he had his father and so he had the bitter sweet pleasure of remembering her as forever young. The one thing he couldn't fix in his memory though was her smile. It was ever quite as bright as it showed in old pictures. There was always a sad quality to it. It reminded him of the girl at the podium now. He could tell her smile just days ago had been brilliant but was now, and possibly forever, dimmed. There was a real beautiful quality to her melancholy though. It was like she had found meaning or purpose in her mourning for Sebastian, like she was no longer floating helplessly frantic like he was.

"Hello everyone," she began. "I can't tell you enough how good it feels to see you all here today. This has been an extremely sad and heartbreaking time for myself and my family, sentiments that I know you all share, and so seeing all of you and how much you cared for my brother helps to relieve some of that burden of grief.

It's hard to know but I don't think that that was what he ever wanted. He was so smart and an amazing lacrosse player. I was never a sports person but the way he would talk about the game, the plays, the strategies, made me excited to get up early on weekends to go watch him play. I have even been known to scream and boo and threaten people's testicles over bad calls. Sometimes he'd have to calm me down afterwards. He'd put his arm around my shoulder and let me rant and he'd tell me I was one hundred percent right and that the ref was definitely blind and that eventually he'd get his comeuppance. He would try to say this all in a condescending tone so that it would register how utterly insane I was being but he was never able to quite hide his amusement. His eyes would just be so full of life.

That's how I remember him being, so full of life. It was a snarky life. I remember sitting in the corner of Dad's stuffy, office parties or the country club with him and making up elaborate back stories for those around us. He was always the brazen one and so he would go sneak us booze and we would sit in our corner and laugh for hours. I'm sure all the adults thought we were some sort of delinquent children but we didn't care, or at least he didn't care and when I was with him, I didn't care either. He did that. He brought out the life in me. I've always been a very serious person, worried about school, grades, being responsible, making a good impression. Bastian just took that all away in the best way possible. The best moments of my childhood and adolescents were with him and those memories will be ones that will never fade and that carefree feeling will be something I will now be chasing for the rest of my life.

That was the most amazing thing about my brother. He gave me so much love and light. It never once crossed my mind that maybe it was draining some of his. I'm not sure anyone knew. There's no sense in dwelling on the 'what if's' though. I know that that's hard. It's been hovering ever since and it was something that he himself was not able to overcome. Because of everything he was to me though, I know that he would not want us to be trapped like he was. It was such a tragic trap too. It was his love that let me live and yet it was his love that led him here.

Love is not supposed to be the dark in someone's life. Love is not supposed to be the drain. Love is supposed to be the solace and that's what I want this day to be about. I want for Bastian to find solace and for all of us here to find solace in the love we shared for him."

She ended with a tearful smile and Kurt's heart broke for her. She clearly grew up with a boy that he had never known. She was probably the only one he felt safe around and so the boy she knew was not tainted with fear. He was open and free with her and showed her love that Kurt never knew he was capable of. He had never wanted Sebastian to die but never before had he wanted so much for him to still be alive. She glanced out into the crowd between drying her tears on the back of her hand and Kurt couldn't bring himself to look in her direction. He didn't want her to have to see the person who had let her beloved brother die.

He never thought this day would be easy but it was already proving tougher than he expected. His teeth were like a vice, clamped relentlessly on the inside of his cheek in order to prevent the tears. Crying was acceptable at funerals but he knew that once he started, he'd never stop. He didn't realize his hand was doing the same around Blaine's until Blaine let go.

"Sorry," he whispered, turning to his friend.

"It's fine," Blaine shrugged off, sticking his hand in his pocket. His eyes were glued on the empty spot where Sebastian's sister had been speaking. He wouldn't even look at Kurt.

"You, okay?" He asked gently, trying to gage where Blaine's head was. All he got in response was pursed nod. It was all just very cold, a drastic change from how warm and open and supportive he had been when they had stepped out of the car. It worried him and he spent the majority of the next speech, from a high school friend, trying to figure out what had happened.

Kurt scanned the guests to see if it was one of the attendees that had triggered Blaine's retreat. Blaine didn't have any enemies though and where they were standing, they were surrounded by college friends. Over to his far right he spotted a familiar, short brunette, dabbing her eyes in a not so subtle manner with a handkerchief. Sure it was Rachel but she seemed harmless standing by herself and clearly not being awarded the attention she was hoping for. He looked back to Blaine to see if Rachel was the problem. His gaze was still directed forwards and Kurt thought that maybe he might have simply been ensuring that he'd avoid eye contact with Rachel but upon closer look, he saw that Blaine was still watching Sebastian's sister. Or maybe he was watching the way she was running her fingers over the words of her speech.

The speech. That was it. Kurt couldn't believe he had missed it. Unfortunately, it seemed as if Blaine hadn't.

Blaine kept his distance for the remainder of the service and during the drive to the Smythe house where the wake was being held. The Smythe house was more of a mansion. Stepping through the huge, oak, double doors, transported him into an upbringing of wealth and privilege. It rounded out Sebastian's spoiled brat attitude but also sadly explained his lost soul because although the house was filled with paintings, vases, oversized candle holders, and chandeliers, there was nothing that made it home.

His inspection of the expansive house was cut short by Blaine excusing himself from his side and Kurt being forced to face the other guests. As much as he used to berate his college friends about being morons, they weren't stupid. Based on the quiet murmurings and the bits and pieces of various conversation that Kurt overheard, everyone had finally understood what had eaten at Sebastian for all these years. It was as if his worst nightmare was coming true. At any second everyone would turn away from their little groups and their gaze would zero in on him and suddenly they would somehow all know. They would know that he had been lying to them all these years and that he had known about Sebastian and could have helped him. They would hate him. _Blaine_, the most caring and understanding and compassionate person on the planet, his best friend, would hate him. He couldn't even being to image his life without Blaine and not only without him, but knowing he had had him and lost him and that he was out there hating him. In fact, Blaine had probably already figured it out. It would certainly explain his disappearance into the crowd. Blaine was always the smart one after all.

The paranoia mixed quickly with the guilt of not only being the only one to know about Sebastian and failing to help him, but also because here he was worried about himself at someone else's funeral. This slew of toxic emotion led him to the kitchen and away from everyone else. Initially he had just wanted to be alone but then he spotted bottles of champagne. He was never particularly fond of champagne but it was all they had and he helped himself to a bottle and gulped it down readily, willing his mind to succumb to the liquid intoxication and escape the mental one of his current state.

It didn't take long before the warmth of alcohol flowed through his veins. Kurt was suddenly very glad for not eating breakfast because the warmth felt good and wooziness felt good and that hollow feeling in his stomach began to feel not so hopeless. He found a counter to lean against as he opened his second bottle to avoid any embarrassing stumbling and the overhang conveniently hid the bottle, a feature he was plenty grateful for when he spotted Blaine for the first time in what seemed like hours and he was headed Kurt's way.

"Kurty!" Came a shill voice from to his left. Before he could even process who belonged to the voice, his mind a little sluggish, there was a petit brunette wrapped around his neck. "Oh my god, it's been so long. I can't believe that we've never gotten together. I mean I'm usually busy with rehearsal and all and now with this little one…" Rachel yammered, pointing proudly at her stomach.

Kurt's eyes widened when he saw the bump. It was definitely a shock. He never pictured Rachel starting a family before making it big. It had always been Broadway or bust for her. Although, having a mini Berry to parade around seemed right up her ally.

"I tried to pick a dress that wouldn't show it off because it didn't seem appropriate but you hated Sebastian so I figured I could tell you. Have you seen Blaine? I wanted to tell him too."

Kurt peered over her shoulder to where he had last seen his friend. Blaine was nowhere to be seen though. Kurt suddenly had the urge to slap him for leaving him with Rachel. So much for his knight in shining armor. "Uh, you just missed him."

"Oh. Oh well. I'll keep looking. I wanted to thank him. This little miracle happened my first time and that makes it just all the more special don't you think?"

"Sure?" Kurt answered, a little thrown by where this conversation was heading. "I gue – Wait. First time with your… fiancé?" Kurt asked, noticing the small but elegant diamond on her ring finger.

"Uh, well yeah but first time ever is what I meant," Rachel smiled unabashed.

Kurt's brows furrowed as his brain tried to process this. Someone was lying here and although Blaine had never been _that_ guy, if Rachel was anything, it was brutally honest. "Did you, um, know that Blaine had told all the guys that you two were doing it? He, uh, he even slept over at your place."

"Oh really?" Rachel questioned pointedly, moving her hands dramatically to her hips. "Is that so?"

Kurt could recognize an enraged Rachel Berry anywhere and cursed himself for the alcohol induced lack of filter. This was going to get ugly.

"Well now I really have to find Blaine because let me tell you, Kurt Hummel," she punctuated with force by shoving her pointer finger into his chest with every word. "I practically threw myself at that boy. I mean have you seen him? He's gorgeous. And yet if we were alone, he would jump across the room and make up some lame excuse about studying or being tired. It was like he was revolted by me or something but I got over it because – and I hate to say this because of the circumstances and all – but I quickly came to the conclusion that he was gay."

"Excuse me," was all Kurt could manage before pulling the bottle of Champagne out and trying to drown everything he had just heard.

"I see," Rachel snipped. "Well I'll leave you alone. I have more pertinent business to attend to anyways."

Kurt watched her storm off in perfect two year old fashion from behind his bottle. It wasn't until she was out of sight that he realized exactly where she was going and frankly, there was no way she was going to get to him first. She wasn't the only one with business revolving Blaine Anderson once she had something to tear into, she would not let up for hours.

Storming off after Rachel though was easier said than done however. Apparently her judging look at his eager consumption was warranted as he stumbled over his first step. And his second. Before he even attempted his third, Rachel was long gone and he had no idea where to begin looking for Blaine. He couldn't afford to dedicate any brain cells to figure it out either because finding expensive, one of a kind, solid oak furniture to support himself and not spilling his only source of solace was taking all he had. By the time he made it out of the kitchen and halfway through the dining room, Kurt had completely forgotten his mission in the first place.

"Whoa, whoa there. I think you need some air," a voice appeared out of nowhere followed by a pair of solid arms.

"Mmm fine," he answered, bringing the bottle back to his mouth. It was intercepted before he could quench his thirst though. "Hey!" he protested, turning to face the thief. "Oh. Blaine. I, uh, I think R-Rachel's looking for you."

"Yeah? Well this gives me a perfect excuse to avoid her. Come on, let's go," Blaine responded guiding him back through the kitchen and out the backdoor.

"I think I'm looking for you too actually," Kurt marveled after the fresh air hit his lungs and seemed to reawaken some on his brain cells that had gone comatose.

"And why's that?" Blaine prompted, leading them across the expansive lawn towards the lake just beyond the trees that lined the yard.

"I can't 'member."

"Well can you remember why you picked up this bottle of champagne? You hate champagne."

"'Cause everyone was staring at me and you ran off. And then you left me with _her_ and she started talkin 'bout her sex life which eww," Kurt rambled only half aware of his surroundings and what he was saying. "Apparently, you wouldn't know 'bout that though. Turns out Blaine Anderson isn't the stand-up guy he claims to be. He's just a big fucking liar who exploits girls and abandons his friends."

"Fuck," Blaine sighed collapsing down on the sand.

"My s-sentiments 'xactly," Kurt replied sitting next to him. He didn't really have another option without anything to lean against.

They sat in silence for a long while. Blaine had his head in hands and Kurt was simply concentrating on trying to make the world stop spinning. Staring out at the water seemed to help a little. It was so big and still, a grounding point.

"Bloody lake," he blurted suddenly.

"Why do hate the lake?" Blaine asked with a chuckle.

"Because it backs onto this bloody house which is where that bloody asshole called home and that bloody asshole reminds me that I'm just as big of a lying, scum bag as you."

"Why would you even…" Blaine began to refute, turning to him with those wide hazel eyes, full of concern. He stopped though. He simply stared at Kurt, clogs working furiously behind his questioning eyes. If Kurt had dared to glance in his friend's direction he would have recognized the look as the one he'd been dreading his entire life. "You were sleeping with him weren't you?" Blaine asked simply after turning his gaze back out over the water.

It was too calm. The sun was sitting peacefully low in the sky on the other side of the lake and the only sound was the water lapping at shore. Kurt had always imagined this moment to be one of chaos, one where his world was collapsing or blowing up, where he was being accused and had to take up arms to defend himself. Blaine didn't seem to be calling in the brigade though and the alcohol in his system had numbed him too much that even his heart beat remained steady. It was eerie really.

"How did you know?" he asked quietly, succumbing to the inevitable.

"'Cause I was sleeping with him too."


	6. Chapter 6

**Epilogue : The Beginning**

* * *

"What?" Kurt asked in utter disbelief.

"Kurt," Blaine said in a pleading tone, clearly not wanting to repeat himself. Kurt needed him too though. His head was too deep in a thick, alcohol induced fog to fully register the one off comment. Blaine seemed to realize this quickly and with a deep sigh, he repeated himself. "I was sleeping with Sebastian too."

"B-but that means you're… gay… too?"

"Too?"

"Well, yeah," Kurt answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Hey, I don't know. There are lots of things you could be these days," Blaine said as he raised his hands in the air in surrender. "But yeah. I guess I'm gay too."

"I uh, I… wow," Kurt stuttered, blinking furiously to try and rid him mind of the fog.

"Here," Blaine offered. "I'll go get you some coffee or water, okay. I uh, I should've gotten you some in the first place," he continued in a fluster. "That was dumb. Okay, I'll just, I'll be back."

Kurt didn't realize just how distraught Blaine really was until he was already standing and desperately trying to loosen his bowtie. His cheeks were flushed. There was sweat on his brow. His knees even seemed to quake. Without really thinking, Kurt reached up and gently grabbed his friend's leg to try a steady him. Blaine looked down at him with a start but he saw him take a deep breath and his face relax and return his own small, tentative smile.

"I'm the one who's making a fool of myself," Kurt stated softly in reassurance. "Not to mention being disre- disrespectful."

"No. Don't worry about that," Blaine asked. "You were upset. Anyone who saw will understand and we'll stay out here until I get you sober, okay?"

"Okay," Kurt nodded.

"Now, I'll be right back," Blaine stated with much more composure than before and turned back towards the house.

Alone now, Kurt could truly begin to process what had all unfolded just minutes ago. His head still felt a little light but it wasn't completely gone. Blaine hadn't been spending the night at Rachel's all those years ago. He'd been spending them with Sebastian. He realized there were nights where Blaine would've arrived only minutes after he had left. It somehow made him feel even dirtier about it all. Not that he had ever really felt special to Sebastian, or that he really wanted to, but knowing that he wasn't even the only one who Sebastian had some semblance of a relationship with took what little they did have and discarded it into the abyss of young people having meaningless sex. It made him just one of the masses. And why did it have to be Blaine? If it had anyone else, Blaine would have never known that he had participated in such an act. What must Blaine think of him? It made little difference to Kurt that his own heart was pouring out to his friend who he now knew was grieving just as badly as he was and dealing with the same guilt and fear. He himself didn't think any less of Blaine and although he could logically see that this was a two way street, emotionally, these last few days had drained him of all the good and left him with a black hole of sorts where any sort of feeling was twisted and demented into something dark. Kurt couldn't even see that this revelation may even mean that his long unrequited crush on Blaine that was really so much more, may even be returned.

"So this has all taken an unexpected turn," Blaine said as he returned handing Kurt a mug of coffee and setting a bottle of water down beside him.

"I'm sorry."

"About what?"

"Everything. About lying to you. About not seeing it. I didn't- I didn't want this."

"No, of course not. Kurt, trust me, everyone knows that he wasn't the nicest person. He was manipulative, and selfish, and just rude. And I know better than anyone that there are a lot of things to regret when it comes to him but no one thinks you wanted this to happen. I would've been perfectly happy never seeing him again but not like this."

Kurt nodded along as Blaine talked. He hid his face behind his coffee mug which he eagerly sipped from. The warmth and caffeine were already starting to settle his head and coffee always had a soothing effect on him anyhow. It seemed to help Blaine's words seep into him as well. There was a sincerity to them that Kurt could never have imagined to have such an impact on him but maybe he was so worn down at this point that he was more willing than he thought he'd be to grab hold of anything that came his way. For not the first time in his life, he was extremely glad it was Blaine who had reached out that hand first.

"I didn't want any of it. Not really," he said quietly from behind his mug. Almost testing to see if Blaine would continue to be this understanding. His friend looked back at him with open and receptive eyes and so with a deep breath he continued. "He was just sorta there and sometimes it felt like he was it, you know? Like there'd never be anyone else."

"Yup," Blaine agreed. "Like you were dependent on him."

"What a guy to be dependent upon."

"Seems like he was nice to his sister."

"Yeah, I bet that threw people. It kinda makes it worse though. It gives him a heart and someone to truly miss him and mourn him. Losing someone that close and important to you," he said with a shake of his head, thinking again of his mother's passing, "it's devastating. And then not to mention him. Like he must have known how much he meant to her and so being in such a place where this was the better option? He must've really been hurting. I don't think I've ever been truly _happy_ with this arrangement but I've never been there."

"No. Me, neither."

"Why? Why did we survive this?"

"I don't know, Kurt. But that's just one of those questions, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Kurt said with a deflated sigh. It was like his mother all over again, that all-consuming need to know _why_ and complete inability to ever figure it out.

"I know. It's just not satisfying."

"Although knowing that there might've been something we could've said or done might be worse."

"Kurt. Look at me," Blaine commanded softly. He didn't continue until Kurt turned away from the lake and looked up from his mug. "There's nothing you or I or anyone else could've done. Nothing. This isn't your fault. Just because you knew, does not make this your fault. It isn't anyone's fault. I know that sinking feeling of guilt. It's weighed me down since I picked up that phone but you can't let it pull you under."

"I know," Kurt nodded. "I know."

"He was already so twisted. We did not make him that way and he never reached out for help or gave us an opening to really see it."

"Twisted?" Kurt asked.

"I don't know. It was something he said to me once. I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies or just something other than… you know. He just laughed at me and told me that I basically amounted to being sex on a stick and so I should just stay with what I was good at. And I know that it's not true-"

"It's not. Not at all," Kurt interrupted. "That's awful."

Blaine smiled lightly in return before continuing. "Yeah, and that's the thing. Like my mind would never think to say that to someone else but if you already think that about yourself, putting it on someone else is probably easier. It's like a disease but just because you know it's there, doesn't mean you can cure it. And searching for that cure now, will only lead us down that same path of destruction."

"What do you suggest we do then," Kurt humored while finishing his coffee.

"Well it seems that his sister was the only one who really knew him. We saw his tormented side, everyone else saw the mask, but she got to see the life that should have been and so I think we should honour her words," Blaine responded, handing him the bottle of water.

"How did you get so smart about all this?"

"Honestly?"

"Yeah," Kurt answered, now even more curious.

"I just paid attention after your mom passed. I remember wanting to go over to your house to play and make sure you were okay but sometimes I was scared because I didn't really know what to say or do. When I got there though, I remember your dad would try to make us hot chocolate but he would do it your mom's way, on the stove, instead of in the microwave like he used to and I remember that for like a year, all you wanted to watch was _The Sound of Music _because it was her favorite. You even had her perfume bottle turned into a Christmas tree ornament. You two were just trying to keep the best things about her alive and so today. She was like a mother to me too and so when I come home late from work and you're standing at the stove stirring the hot chocolate slowly, it always makes me smile and think about when we were little and she would fuss over us. She always made me feel at home at your place and it just brigs back all that love and warmth. I don't know. That all sounds really cheesy but I think it helps," Blaine finished.

"It's not cheesy," Kurt stated, looking at his friend in awe. His mother would always be the most important person in his life and hearing Blaine speak of her in such high regard was one of the most wonderful, overwhelming feelings. "It's incredibly sweet. I had no idea you cared that much."

Blaine simply shrugged but the flush the crawled up his cheeks gave him away. That flush was like so many others Kurt had seen over the years and although they always brought forth that question in Kurt's head, he had promptly brushed it away. Today was going to be different though. He had grounds to pursue it now and in a way, that question had been draining him for all these years and now, whether he get a yes or a no, he would be able to find solace in the finality of the answer. He just needed to figure out how to ask it.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Kurt asked.

Blaine just looked at him for a moment. He seemed to be gaging how exactly to answer, weighing the consequences of the truth and the lie. "I thought about it," Blaine began after taking a steadying breath. "A lot actually. But, I was just afraid of your reaction. You just always got so much flack at school about it that I thought you might be mad or something that, you know, I was kinda getting by scott free and yet I was the one who was actually gay. Or I thought you might not want to hang out with me because it could make it worse. I don't know. And then in college, there was the whole Sebastian thing that I was mortified of and it just seemed like it had been too long that it would've seemed like I had been lying and I didn't want you to be mad at me."

"Didn't it ever cross your mind that I might be gay too? Especially in high school."

"Yes," Blaine laughed, looking back out at the lake. "God with the clothes and the musicals, it was hard not to but you never brought it up and I didn't want to turn into all of jocks at school and start accusing you or stereotyping."

"Well, that was very noble of you," Kurt said with a smile. "I-I uh, knew there was a reason I thought of you as my knight in shining armour," he said with flushed cheeks, biting his lip in anticipation for Blaine's response. He didn't think he could make it more obvious without just coming out and telling Blaine he was in love with him which was something he really did not want to do.

"_Kurt_," was all Blaine said as he turned back to look at him, his golden eyes a striking sight of both soft and intense at the same time. The true tell though was the way they flicked down to where Kurt's teeth were dug into his bottom lip.

Kurt's own eyes flicked down to Blaine's lips when his tongue darted out and swept over the plump, pink skin. When he met Blaine's eyes again they seemed to be asking the question he had been trying to get out and his body had tensed as if he was just waiting an affirmative answer. Kurt gave him a slight, almost reflexive nod and as he saw Blaine lean in, he let his eyes slip closed and let Blaine bring their lips together in a kiss he had waited his entire life for.

It was soft and sweet and Kurt's heart fluttered at the way Blaine's nose brushed lightly against his. He could feel the light stubble on Blaine's cheek as he caressed it with his thumb and just the warmth of his body which was so close. There was almost too much to process but the overwhelming quality was one of joy and so Kurt was happy to drown in it and just let it happen. Even as he felt himself running out of air he kept his lips on Blaine's preferring the life they gave to him over that of oxygen.

Blaine was eventually the one to part them but even he remained close as he spoke, resting his forehead against Kurt's. "We should get back. Pay our respects."

"I thought we were," Kurt responded breathlessly, eagerly accepting Blaine's lips again as the other boy leaned in again, this time with his entire body, pushing Kurt back into the sand and crawling on top him.

**A/N: And there you have it! I will admit that this isn't my favorite ending but I feel like there wasn't a real good way the wrap this up b/c obviously this is going to be something that both of them will be dealing with for a long time to come. And like I said I kinda wanted to leave it with ch 5. But anyways, for the handful of people that were actually reading this, I really, really hope you liked it. I really enjoyed writing it and I think I learned the most from writing this than any of my other stuff. Let me know what you thought!  
-Katie **


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